Sometimes the ostomy bag makes me feel not exactly clean.
There, I said it. We're so trained as a society that poop goes in a certain place that when it's in any other place it's disgusting, dirty, gross. Pick an adjective. If there's anything in the ostomy bag at all, I feel weird about it, even though I *know* it doesn't smell and it's normal, and it doesn't need changing until it's 1/3 to 1/2 full. We did get a some samples of bags that aren't see thru, and I think I would be more comfortable with those. I can't imagine anyone wants to see poop in a bag when I'm out in public. I do have a source for a belly band locally, and I think that will be a stylish way to hide the ostomy bag.
I started crying though talking it out with Eric and my mom. I don't want this to feel dirty or icky, because it's normal and I know that. It's okay. And yet there's the lingering emotional worries about acceptance and how other people will react. Will people know? Will they care? I feel like I'm back in middle school worrying about whether the shoes I have will make me look uncool (they almost always did, as a side note...I wasn't exactly a cool kid, haha).
My thinking mind says that if people don't like it, then fuck 'em. Their problem, not mine. My emotional mind gets more sensitive and can't quite get to that point. Yet. I think it will happen eventually. Right now my emotional mind is still feeling kind of sad that I have to deal with this at all, that it's my life now. Pouting, you know. Feelings, whatever they might be, are okay in the here and now.
I'll be okay. Really. But maybe try not to point and laugh at my ostomy, okay? I'll either start crying or tell you to fuck off.