Saturday, January 23, 2010

Oh crap.

I was on colon club tonight, reading random posts, and of course read about a few different experiences with chemo. Why don't I just close the post when I start reading that shit? It just makes me nervous and anxious about chemo coming up. So now I'm all freaked out. This is all just very scary, and although I've come very far, it doesn't make things less freaky. I think it actually makes it harder for me to block out the fact that things freak me out because I'm so weary of everything. Everything. I'm weary of feeling sick and of being in pain. I'm weary of doctor's appointments and waiting in uncomfortable chairs. I'm weary of not being able to take care of my family the way I'm used to doing. I'm weary of not being able to do what I want to do.

Is it going to turn out okay? Of course. Does that help me feel calm about chemo? Um, NO. Luckily my ass stitches keep me occupied because they hurt. And my ostomy keeps me busy because, well, it's busy outputting away. I have a lot on my mind right now, but chemo is sneaking in there too.


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