Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Want to see what I did this weekend?

Fossil Hunting

Picnic by Lake Texoma

More by the lake

Of course there is a freak ton of things, memories, that I didn't show you.  Dripping ice cream cones, road trip coffee, the blanket full of little burrs, watermelon, cows, horses, goats, driving...It was a very good weekend. 

I go back and forth between "I'm going to live forever!!!" because I feel so good and thinking dreaded thoughts about dying before I want to.  Of course, no one lives forever, and I'm confident that after death I'll be in a wonderful place with a body that doesn't have cancer.  I just feel like I'm needed here, you know? 

Anyway, I'm so glad for weekends like this, for experiences, for laughter, for fun.  It gives me space to be away from cancer, at least for a little while.

The week has already started, I have chemo this Thursday, and wow, you should see the disaster that is my house!  Gotta get to work!

And because I know I need it, please pray.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Most of you probably know that my scan was good today!!!  Stable tumors, and if there was growth, it was very very small.  I will take that, thank you.  :)
Eric joined me at the cancer center (he worked and I yakked at my therapist and used up all her kleenex).  Later we went to the lab and I was told I didn't have an appointment with them.  What WHAT?  It wasn't a big deal, I just went back up after seeing the doc.

The doc came in all smiles, I knew he had something good to tell me.  We chatted a bit about the tumors, and I'm going to continue FOLFOX/Avastin until the next scan.  He checked me over and I passed, my blood work eventually came back, so off to chemo I went. 

Chemo was uneventful, as usual.  I knitted until the ativan kicked in, then watched Daria and dozed off. 

So this week has been my week of waiting.  Not trying to take control or fix things myself, but to just pray and wait.  I listened to a sermon about waiting last weekend, that it's important to sit still, stand still, and be still so that God can work on things in HIS time, not in my time.  So I focused on that.  Praying in a bold, confident way, and being willing to wait.  It wasn't easy.  In fact, it was pretty freaking hard at times.  After all, I know what's best for me, I know what I want. 

Psalm 40:1
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry
And then, after the results today, this verse stuck out at me:

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

So yeah.  I'm feeling relieved and thankful and so so glad.  Everyone who prayed and/or thought about me, thank you so much.  I believe it really does make a difference.

I'm going to go rest now...I feel blah.  Have a good weekend all!!!

Friday, May 11, 2012

I've felt off all week.  Restless, anxious, nervous, sad.  Scanxiety at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.  It hovers like a cloud and whispers worries and threats into my ears.  It forces me to deal with feelings about having cancer and about life.  It's uncomfortable and very much unwanted.  It leaks out into relationships, parenting, and hobbies.  Maybe describing it will make it go away?

Worrying won't change my scan results.  It won't take my cancer away.  The logical me knows this.  Why can't the emotional me get on board? 

Sigh.  Scan is Wednesday. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Reese, Eli, and I were out and about this morning, having coffee with friends and making a quick library stop.  On the way to the library, we drove past a park with kids all over the place, so on the way back we decided to check it out.  The kids ran to play, and I sat down to knit. 

It was such a weird feeling, sitting in a park watching the kids play with other moms and little kids all around.  What a flashback to our days in Wisconsin, when the kids were younger, before cancer was on my radar.  I miss those days when the biggest worry was losing five pounds or how was I going to get Reese to sleep already.  As Uncle Rico says, "Don't you wish you could go back?"

Since going back isn't an option, forward we go.  One day at a time, holding on to faith.  Enjoying the park days and school days and coffee days and knitting days.  Lots of hugs and laughter.  I think that's the best anyone can do.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Chemo #12

Can you believe I've had 12 cycles of chemo here in TX?  Gosh, me either.  I was a bit surprised.  Time flies when you're being pumped with poison?

Anyhoo, it was a pretty okay day at the cancer center.  I got to ride in a taxi cab because Eric is out of town and I'm not really supposed to drive while I'm hopped up on Ativan.  My Korea Starbucks mug and I stopped for coffee, and then I hung out with my cool therapist for a while.  She's very wise.

After that, I went to get my labs done.  Then it was back downstairs to check in to see my doctor.  When I walked into the waiting room, there was a freakishly huge dog!  Seriously, it was the biggest dog I've ever seen.  I momentarily wondered if it would transform into a person ala Twilight, but it didn't happen.  I suppose I should be content with just seeing that huge thing.  It is a therapy dog, and I guess after their interview (yes, they were being interviewed!!) the dog got to walk around the waiting room, but by then I was back with the doctor.

Not a lot to report from the doctor.  My labs were good.  I felt fine.  I mentioned to the nurse that lowering the dose of oxaliplatin really helped me feel better overall...I was still really tired last chemo weekend, but maybe not as sick.  As the nurse was looking over my chemo notes, she suddenly said, "Oh.  It looks like the doctor didn't lower the dose after all last time."

Then why didn't I feel as sick?  It could be the extra protein I got from eating greek yogurt and eggs.  Yeah, not exactly vegan foods, huh?  Eric read a thing about protein and it's probably true that I could be lacking, especially during chemo weekends.  I used to be all about protein smoothies, but with the cold sensitivity they're hard to drink.  And I don't know about you, but warm protein shakes are not good.  Also, it does not help that I have zero appetite from the day I have chemo until mid-week the next week.  I feel really jerky about eating eggs (and I guess the yogurt too)...I know how animals are treated in the "industry."  I'm going to work to find animal-friendly, good practices for these foods.

Anyhoo, I got the all clear for chemo, took a nap, and a taxi brought me home.

I hope I can lay down soon. 

I hope you're all praying for me.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Cancer frustrates me, it frustrates me because of what it has done to my body.  I cried last night because in many ways, my body doesn't work the same way it did before cancer.  I could start listing all the ways cancer has changed my body, but it feels so much like complaining.  Amazingly enough, I don't really feel like complaining.  So I'll just leave it at general frustration and irritation.

Chemo tomorrow.  I've been cracking the whip at the kids to get them to help me clean up the house.  Today I'll do some cooking ahead, that makes it easier for everyone, I think. 

I'm in a good place, a positive place.  For a chemo week, I think that's pretty good.  I'd still appreciate prayers though.  :)