I'm Sorry for Cursing - Colon / rectal cancer

I have tears running down my cheeks after yet another wonderfully kind email message from a friend. Everyone says such nice things, I just...I don't know that I *am* all those adjectives people have been throwing around. I sure as hell don't feel brave or strong or amazing. I'm sitting around fantasizing about sneaking away at the last second and hiding in a hospital closet for cripe's sakes. I'm not going through all this shit because I want to, because I didn't have anything better to do. I *have* to. I would never choose this. Never never never. So I don't feel like I'm any stronger than anyone else. I'm just keepin' on keepin' on, you know?

But seriously, do you think my hiding in the closet scheme will work? Yeah, I didn't think so either. Shit.

The moving sidewalk I'm being forced to march on certainly isn't getting any slower, and here we are at two days. Two. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if this had been Emergency Surgery. Oh no! Right now this second, you have to have Emergency Surgery! No, you can't think about it for weeks and weeks, stressing about it every ten minutes! Right now! See how that might be better? I think if I wanted to torture someone, I'd hang something like this over their head for a few weeks.

I don't know. I'm going to be okay. I'm freaking out, but I'll be okay. Eric is the awesome strong one, just so you all know. He's the one weathering my freak outs and keeping calm and reminding me that I can do this.

So in two days...Surgery (play the dark music here). But for today, I get to take my children and my mom to one of my favorite group gatherings. I get to make and eat vegetable pot pie. And perhaps I'll get a little tipsy tonight. In other words, I'm going to have a good day, so I hope you do too!