Oh man

Today was not an ambush. I was fully aware that I would get my bloodwork done at 9am, have radiation, and see my doc at 10:15am. But the waiting. I was done with bloodwork by 9:30am, and of course, the Radiation Girls were all ready for me. Part of me wants to start arriving earlier and earlier, just so one day I can catch them off guard. Anyway, I was all done there by 9:45am, which if you're keeping track means half an hour wait. Not a big deal, I remembered my TurtlePod and got in some quality Jason Lewis and Stupid Cancer radio time (two separate shows, by the way).

I need to confess something though. Sitting around in the chemo waiting room is depressing as hell. I feel bad thinking that. I was the youngest person there by at least 15 years. Seriously. Maybe even more than that, but I suppose I'm getting up there in age myself (haha). It was just weird and scary and I didn't like it. Eric and the kids hung around in the waiting room for part of the time with me, and that was better. I hope this doesn't make me a jerk.

Anyhoo, I didn't see my doctor. I saw one of his nurses. My bloodwork came back with my white count on the low side (mine was 2.2, they like it to be 4+). However, the nurse looked at the breakdown and the ratios/levels were good overall, so it's just watch and see. It's possible (probable actually) that the radiation is hitting some bones, which would affect my white blood counts. That's my non-doctor understanding. There's not much else to report. The nurse talked about side effects, emphasizing dry/cracking hands. At one point, she said, "I've seen some people's hands that looked like someone cut off a layer of skin with a knife." Oh really? Well thanks for that bit of encouragement. I suspect she was trying to scare me into using lots of lotion, which admittedly I am bad at remembering to do.

I waited about a thousand hours for someone to be free to hook me back up to my chemo pump. A very nice nurse snuck me in. The little two seater lab room was busy, so she just had me sit in the chemo lounge, which is just a big room with lots of recliner chairs and people hooked up to chemo bags. I pulled my shirt down, and she said, "Oh, you don't have to pull it down that much, I don't want you to feel exposed." I replied, "I was a nursing mom for a long time, up until about a month and a half ago, this is nothing." She kind of laughed, and told me she nursed her babies too, and shared that she got a lot of flack for nursing her 3 week old baby at a wedding.

And then she said, "That must have been a fast weaning for you." That's all it took for me to tear up (I'm tearing up right now, actually). I think that eventually I'll get to the point that it won't make me cry to think about or talk about Eli's weaning. Maybe when he stops asking to nurse (which he still does about once a day). It still pokes at my heart, and it makes me so fucking mad and sad that our weaning was taken away like it was.

All in all, it was a difficult morning. I was very glad that Eric took the day off so I could rest this afternoon. And tomorrow is Friday, which means I have two radiation free days coming up!