The Alien Port and I are not very good friends right now. I tell myself not to be a baby about it, that things will probably hurt as much or worse, that I'll feel worse. Bottom line? This really fucking sucks.
Does it suck because it's happening so fast? Nine days ago I lived in obliviousness of cancer. That was something other people had. Not me, man. My biggest problems were things like how to keep our grocery bill down and where the heck did that missing library book go? And now next week I'll start chemo? That's insanity. And to be honest, I don't think I've processed it fully yet. Is that a good thing? I don't know. Sometimes it makes me feel safer, and sometimes it makes me feel a couple steps behind. I'm glad I have Eric who parcels out information and fills in the blanks on the things I deliberately ignored because it was just too much at the time.
I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future, maybe just a couple weeks at a time. Am I doing okay? Are the kids okay?
I think it's okay to be sad. And overwhelmed. And scared. And hopeful. It's okay to be whatever it is I am in the moment. I give myself permission.