The Alien Port and I are not very good friends right now. I tell myself not to be a baby about it, that things will probably hurt as much or worse, that I'll feel worse. Bottom line? This really fucking sucks.
Does it suck because it's happening so fast? Nine days ago I lived in obliviousness of cancer. That was something other people had. Not me, man. My biggest problems were things like how to keep our grocery bill down and where the heck did that missing library book go? And now next week I'll start chemo? That's insanity. And to be honest, I don't think I've processed it fully yet. Is that a good thing? I don't know. Sometimes it makes me feel safer, and sometimes it makes me feel a couple steps behind. I'm glad I have Eric who parcels out information and fills in the blanks on the things I deliberately ignored because it was just too much at the time.
I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future, maybe just a couple weeks at a time. Am I doing okay? Are the kids okay?
I think it's okay to be sad. And overwhelmed. And scared. And hopeful. It's okay to be whatever it is I am in the moment. I give myself permission.
"I think it's okay to be sad. And overwhelmed. And scared. And hopeful. It's okay to be whatever it is I am in the moment. I give myself permission."
ReplyDeleteAmen sister. You are wise.
Oh sweetie. Big hugs to you! Like Liz said, it's ok to be sad and overwhelmed. I wish I lived closer so I could be of some help to you, but know I'm with you in spirit. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd now a little something to cheer you up. I don't know if you remember giving bead necklaces to some of us in High School for Christmas. Mine was special because it had a "friendship flaw" in it.
Do you know I still have it? And that I think of you every time I see it?
Mom said the port was the worst part. I remember her crying for a good week or two after it was put in. But it DOES get better, and when you start chemo you'll be thankful for the port. It makes things so much easier, and quicker.
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