Change.

I'm not good with it. Change, that is. I don't think I ever have been. Changes in routine, changes at the grocery store, unexpected changes, newfangled things like self checkouts (those are scary, man). Do you know I haven't gotten a new cell phone in years because the idea of learning how to use a new one kind of freaks me out? Change on my terms is okay after a while, a long while.

And then there's this. Teh cancer. I can't think of a bigger life change at this moment. And honestly, a lot of it is freaking me out. How long does it take to get okay with a change like this? Unfortunately, I don't have the luxery of time. There is so much and it's coming so fast. I understand the need for speed, but I don't like it.

I can't pin down one big thing that's bothering me either. I know because Eric asked me last night. It's really a little of everything. A lot of everything. What questions do you ask if you don't know where to start? How do you figure out your biggest worry if all your worries seem to be the same size? The minute I start to think I'm okay with one thing, whoops, there's one more thing on the radar! I'm really lucky that I have a husband who probably knows everything there is to know about rectal cancer and treatment and surgery, but instead of laying it all on me at once, he parcels information out in little bits and pieces.

I don't know. I'm going to be okay. I think. It's just a weird place to be. And did I mention I don't like it? I DON'T LIKE IT.