It was kind of a rough bedtime tonight for Eli. Part of it undoubtedly was caused by his falling asleep in the car on the way to a homeschooling potluck. The other part...the begging for Un part...it just makes everything harder that I can't nurse him to sleep.
Chemo, radiation, surgery, colostomy bag, losing hair, getting sick, Alien Port...I can talk about a lot of aspects of this shitty cancer experience and I'm mostly okay. Mention Eli and weaning and that's when I lose it. As much as my rational mind knows that overall this is going well, and he's adjusting, it doesn't matter. This is breaking my heart.
It's so different from the way Reese was weaned. She was a little over three when I decided (after much thought, I might add) that I wanted and needed to be done nursing her. Eli and Reese tandem nursed for a long time, and Reese was down to once a day. Her weaning was slow, it probably took at least a month of talking about how she was big and didn't need to nurse anymore, and very gradually cutting the length of time she nursed. It was peaceful.
This weaning does not feel peaceful. It's not anything at all like what I thought would happen. I expected to be bribing Eli with cars sometime after he turned 4. I expected that we would have time to make a transition to a different kind of relationship.
I don't know. I had a lot more to say, but I'm fried now. Bottom line, this isn't ideal. That's a shocker of a statement, huh?
Sunday has to be the last day Eli nurses. Tuesday is the PET scan and apparently I'll be so freaking radioactive afterwards that I'm not supposed to even hold the kids for 6 hours, and no nursing for 24 hours. If chemo is going to be starting very soon after the PET scan results...I thought it would be better to pick a day before the PET scan.