That's what I did this afternoon, for a little while anyway. I cried because I'm so overwhelmed by all the help we're getting from family and friends. I cried because everyone has such kind words for me, encouraging words. I cried because I'm tired of hurting from this stupid surgery, and because I'm scared about starting chemo, and because 16 weeks is such a long long time. Some of the tears were angry and sad that I'm in this predicament in the first place. Some of them were grateful for Eric and all he does for our family. I really just let it all out. I don't do this very often. It always seems like the wrong time, I don't want to cry too much in front of the kids because it always makes Reese cry (she's tenderhearted). My kids. Dammit, I cried for them too. If you want to see who is strong and adaptable, you look at my kids. They barely know what's going on. I hate that they have to deal with all this shit.
I save a lot of this up for at night, before I go to sleep.
I can't even describe how hard this all is sometimes. And we have so much support and love and prayer and thoughts. There is so much to be thankful for, but there are times I can't help but get mired in my ass hurting or being afraid. Every single time though, there has been something that has helped lift me up. A funny postcard. A message on facebook. An email. Someone popping over unexpectedly with a meal.
I know I can do this. I have to. So I will. And every step of the rest of this journey I'll be thankful for people who are walking with me.