Sometimes I find myself really jealous of healthy people. I suspect the average person doesn't give a second thought to how lucky they are to be just doing their normal stuff, going about their day, their body doing what it's supposed to do. I know I didn't think about it, before. Now I want to be healthy so bad, and do the normal things I used to do. I hope people can understand what a huge deal it is to be healthy, and they won't waste it. One day you can be just going about your business, feeling pretty good, and then the next day you get told you have cancer. It happens that fast.
So I'm jealous today. Jealous of anyone who doesn't have a wound vac attached to their ass. Jealous of people running around with their rectums. Jealous of those who don't have to go to chemo and get sick. Jealous of people who don't have to think twice about going out and doing something fun with their kids.
I struggle with this being the "right" mindset. I wrestle with feeling that life is unfair, fight to stay positive. But you know what? It's okay to just be. It's okay to just feel what you feel. It's okay to wonder why and to let the tears flow. It just is sometimes. Today is one of those days that it just is. The good is good and the bad is bad. It just is.
Today I can accept that it just is. I'm making a choice to be comfortable with how I feel. And tomorrow will be a better day.
You know, if you weren't angry and jealous at points, I'd be concerned about you. I mean, who WANTS to be in your position? No one. Just because you need to accept it doesn't mean you ever have to like it. Sure, there is tons to be thankful for, but that doesn't make the sucky parts suck less. Don't be afraid to take time when you need to to be angry and sad, throw mental tantrums, because it does suck, and it's not "fair."
ReplyDeleteKnow that your writing is making a HUGE difference for people. I think that by reading your journey it will have people stop and appreciate things a little more and because of the people you have reached out to they may notice something "off" but will go to the Dr. and have it taken care of early. Ajay's best friend has been battling a brain tumor (it is not cancer, but he still had to have 48 rounds of chemo) and from getting to know him and his family I stop and send out a huge Thank You to whomever is responsible for blessing me with healthy children. So know that sharing your story with us is making a difference. Take care!
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