Doubts and things

I shouldn't go read on colonclub.com but I still keep doing it. I go there because it's a board full of people who are dealing with similar issues. There's so much information there, so much positivity and support. But there are also stories that are a bit unnerving to me. A stage III who lit up one lymph node on a PET scan after treatment was over. A stage III who developed mets to her liver. Or lungs. So many people are struggling with colorectal cancer. Mothers, fathers, regular people.

And it's scary. *I* am stage III. Although we've been assured by the surgeon that after treatment this will be done and over, holy shit, what if it's not? I don't pay attention to statistics because I'm not really a numbers person. I don't know the percentage of survival of my type of cancer. It's something I choose not to think about often. As of right now, I'm in the category of No Evidence of Disease, until a scan shows otherwise.

So what do you do? Do you live your life in fear of cancer? I'm sure some people do that. I can't do that. I have to be positive about my future, about the future of my children. So I'm choosing to assume the best, that when I have my last chemo treatment in May, that I'm done. That we can move past this, leave it behind, do things we as a family want to do.

Our family made a big announcement a couple weeks ago, big exciting news that we're moving to Memphis. I wish I could express properly how freaking thrilled we are to have this opportunity. I think my mom said it best when she told me she saw a twinkle in my eye that she hasn't seen for a long time. It's time for new things, new places, and new experiences. And it doesn't hurt that the weather will be warmer. :)

Lots of people, friends and family alike, have expressed concern that we're moving too fast, that we're rushing into this, that maybe we should wait. Wait? Well, I guess we could do that. But I think it goes back to either shrinking away waiting for something scary to happen or being bold and living life. If there's one thing I've learned through this whole mess is that nothing in life is absolute. As far as I knew, I was healthy in August. In September, I had cancer. No one could have predicted that. Life does that, it throws things at you that you don't expect. You can be positive about it or negative about it. You can let the worry of bad things happening hold you back, or you can be brave and move forward. Eric, the kids, and I are choosing to be positive, for us there's no other option. For me there's no other option. I'll be honest, I can't handle the stress of negative thinking.

Do I have doubts? Of course. Closing this chapter of my life and going forward is a little scary. Being diagnosed with cancer changed my life in a bad way, but I can choose to proceed in a good way and I'm going to. Fuck you, ass cancer. You don't get to rule my life. I do.