Thursday, December 3, 2009

Today Eric and I meet with the surgeon. I'm all freaked out about it. If we start talking about surgery, and set a date for surgery, then surgery IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Yeah, yeah, I already know that it's going to happen. It's just that if I'm not talking about it with the person who actually does it, I can be all "La la la, things are awesome! There's no tumor in my ass! La la la."

Things that make the reality more real, I'm not a fan of you right now.

But I'm going in armed with my long list of questions, and I honestly do want to know how the surgery will go down. I want to know things like where the incisions will be, what tubes are going to be inserted, whether I'm going to wake up with my asshole sewn shut. You know, just every day, run of the mill questions.

Then again, having a date, starting to plan things, that's good for me. I'll know how much time I have to get things done. I can get my to do list going.

It's scary though, the whole idea of surgery. Anesthesia is scary. Thinking about someone cutting into my body to take parts out is scary. People can tell me it's going to be all right until they run out of breath and I'm still going to be anxious about it. I can channel that anxiety to a point (why do you think I've been so productive the past week?), but man. It's hard. One of my biggest fears about childbirth was that for some reason, the doctor would have to cut me. For someone who hasn't spent more than a couple days in a hospital, this is just all so insane.

And unfair. I have to deal with this shit because why? Who knows, right? I don't spend a lot of time considering the utter unfairness of this. It's pointless, for one thing. And for another, I'm not the only person that this is happening to. In the time I've been on the colon club message board, there have been at least 10 new members. Ten new people who either have colorectal cancer or have a loved one who has been diagnosed. It's not fair for ANY of us. A 20 year old signed up who was just diagnosed. 20. When I look back at my 20 year old self, I don't know. I would have been ill equipped to fight through cancer, to say the least. I feel that sitting around feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world isn't going to help me.

You know what does help me though? I have the most awesome friends. And they pop up at the most needed times. I'm so very thankful for that.


  1. I can only try to imagine what you are feeling about having cancer. Moments where you feel a weight of the world kind of all-consuming terror. And moments where you can actually briefly forget. It must be so hard sometimes. You are dealing with this with such grace. I really admire you. Good luck today at your appointment. Jehan

  2. I have been thinking about you all day! I hope you get all your questions answered. I'm glad you have Eric to be there with you. Your Dad and I wish you good luck with your appointment! I will continue to pray for peace to surround you, and that God will comfort you! Love, Mom

  3. I found your blog on Colonclub. I have been a member since 2008 when I was diagnosed with rectal cancer. Had APR a year ago with permanent colostomy. I am one of those "ostomates" who gets incensed with people's insensitive comments about life with a stoma. It is all DOABLE and you will find that you can do all the things you use to do and in fact, sometimes it is quite convenient:) Please feel free to email me if you have any questions or just need to vent, rage, cry and YES- CURSE!!! Best of luck with your surgery- it is a bear but honestly the radiation/chemo was the worst of the three.
    Debbie Dickens