Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sorry about the slowdown in blog entries. Rest assured that it means I've been crazy busy NOT being radiated or poisoned or having pieces cut out of me. ;) I'm really trying to push the whole cancer thing onto the back burner, although damn it if cancer doesn't make its way to the forefront way more than I would like.

I think about things at odd times. I look at my belly and wonder how the surgeon will manuever around my "mommy tummy" and where exactly the stoma will go (I have a rough idea). When I'm doing yoga I think that after surgery it might be a little while before I can start again (restart?). In the back of my mind, I'm planning how I'm going to handle being sick again, how I'm going to juggle the kids and being tired. It still gets really overwhelming for me, I don't know if that's normal. Should I be moving beyond the freak out stage? Can I really avoid thinking about things until the 11th hour? Is that healthy?

Maybe it's okay. I'm aware of the surgery, I have information about it, I've done reading. I'm not completely in denial. Yet there are times when I still experience thoughts like a jolt. I have cancer.

I think dumb things too, like my master plan to take a bath and shave my legs on the morning before surgery. Because, dude, I don't want to go into surgery with hairy legs. That is so not sexy. And one of my other master plans (believe me, there are several master plans) to make a list of vegan food possibilities so Eric won't have to scramble. I might even buy some stuff, like good vegetable broth and vegan jello. And hard candies. I was pondering the other day if I think I want to take a chance with hospital toast and margarine, or if I should bring my own. That stuff is silly, isn't it? But I think about that. I think about what it will be like in the hospital, about what it will be like to come home, about how I might feel. I have little to no idea what the reality will be. The surgeon mentioned that some people choose to have an epidural block to treat the after surgery pain. Really? That bad, huh? It's going to have to be pretty fucking bad before I'll let anyone stick a needle in my back, man. It's bad enough that people have to stick a needle in my alien port. Blech.

So that's where my mind is, when I'm not distracted by such things as making calzones, which is what we're doing tonight. Speaking of eating, I'm having NO problem with that, and have gained like 5 lbs since chemo ended. Um, yay? I guess it means I'm no longer sick all the time. Now that I can pretty much eat anything, I'm moving back towards making good choices because I do want my body to be healthy.

Anyway, off to make calzones!

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