Right after I was diagnosed with cancer, I went through what I can only figure was extreme anxiety. I wasn't sleeping well, I wasn't eating. I was nauseous all the time. After things got going with treatment, I started feeling better. Fear and worry about the unknown can be a powerful thing.
As the days of December rush by, I'm starting to feel more and more anxious. Sleeping has been okay. Eating...not so much. I'm nauseous and nothing looks good and blah. Don't worry, I'm taking care of myself and eating healthy foods, and doing things to help myself relax. You know, the usual, smoothies and yoga in the morning, lots of beans and veggies the rest of the day.
I debated mentioning this on my blog, but if someone else is reading this and experiencing what I am with rectal cancer, I want them to know that it's okay to feel anxious. It's okay to be inconsolable. I honestly don't think there's anything that can be said or done that will make me feel better. And I think that's an okay place to be, really. That's the here and now. I'm nervous and scared and worried. I know what's going to take place during the surgery, I'm aware of how things will most likely go afterwards. I read about ostomies and looked at pictures of stomas, I know a little bit about caring for them. We have a plan for the kids during my surgery and hospital stay, we've talked to them many times about everything. The house is clean, haha. All my ducks are in a row, but the anxiety is still there. So I can get upset about that and become more anxious, or I can just keep taking care of myself and enjoy Christmas with my family. There is room for all my feelings.
And rest assured there are MANY really great things happening around here! Reese's birthday party was a great success. I'm so excited about going home for Christmas. I cleaned out our homeschooling basket, added new games and activities, so that's all ready to go for the new year. Lots of things are going well.
Fortunately, there's little time to dwell too much on January 6th. Keeping busy does have advantages!