I'm nervous about surgery. Freaked out. Sad.
I looked at the clock a little bit ago and realized that at this time in one week, I'll be done. If everything goes well, I will be in recovery by now. Hopefully I'll have Eric holding my hand, and we'll know for absolutely sure that everything is okay.
Why doesn't that thought make me feel better? Why can't I be okay with this? Why does it still make me cry?
I can't even pinpoint what's upsetting to me. Anesthesia? Having a tube down my throat? Having someone cut into me, cut parts out of me? Colostomy? Being in pain again? Staying in the hospital so long? Everything maybe?
Sigh.
Miss Sheri, I am holding you in my most positive thoughts and sending light and healing to you everyday. I personally think you don't talk about your fears around the cancer enough. As for what you are most afraid of, I'm gonna go with everything. And your analytical brain breaks it all down into parts, and then throws it together as a whole again. This type of thinking will make you more than prepared for any good or bad thing life will throw you, but it will make you go crazy at times with either worry or elation. I am the same way. I have just recently read the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann, and I wanted to clutter your blog up with the end of it.
ReplyDeleteBeyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Jehan
"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."
ReplyDeleteMaya Angelou
Sheri:
I think Maya Angelou has some of the best advice either spoken or written. I leave this quote with you. Sheri your courage will get you through the hurdles ahead.
God bless you,
Adeline
and Julie said ....Sheri,
ReplyDeleteI believe you are having normal feelings that anyone anticipating surgery goes through, but cancer is a big deal. I also have a feeling of peace in my soul, regarding the outcome of it all. I wish you peace! You are going to come out of this a stronger person. Some more big changes in your life! I am just glad I can be there for you! You are a tender hearted girl just like your mom. I cry at the drop of a hat and so do you. In fact I am crying for you and with you as I write this note. I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I do know that my life is in the Hands of God, and so is yours. So I guess I am sending positive thoughts your way, and God's blessing!
Love you so much!!!
Mom
"Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence".
ReplyDeleteI love that poem, Jehan.
I also agree with Jehan that you (Sheri) do not talk about it enough. It's *okay* to let it all out. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to cry. We'll still be there for you if you do. We'll still love you when you do those things.
It's easy for me to say that you will be fine. I'm not going through what you are. But in my heart, Sheri, I know that you WILL be fine. Not just because you are the strong woman that you are, but because you have such a group of people around you who are so willing to lend the support that you need, if you're open to taking it. I watched mom go through chemo, and helped her through it as best as she could. I'll never forget some of the things that she went through.
Sometimes I don't know how to say that though. It's so cliche to say "if you ever need anything, call me". But it's true. Barring being in labor (which will hopefully stay away for a while yet! lol), I would drop anything and go to you if you needed me. Please remember that.
I'll stop rambling now. Just know that I'll be thinking of you.