Friday, April 29, 2011


I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to take a leap.

I'm feeling really down today.  It started last night, and so far, I haven't been having much luck shaking it.  I would say a good deal of the time now I feel pretty okay.  I feel good and confident about my treatment, my doctor, how things are going.  I'm working hard to live in the now and enjoy everything that I have. 

But right out of nowhere it will hit me:  I have cancer. 

And the thoughts rush in.  I do worry about my future, about the future of my husband and children.  I worry about the times when I am sick and can't take care of them the way I'm used to doing.  I worry about the way our lives have been turned upside down.

Right now I'm not really worried about any one thing in particular, I just have a down feeling.  A feeling that I want to lay in bed all day.  It's annoying because I don't have a reason to feel like this right now.  We have an awesome weekend planned, I should be happy.

But dammit, I'm not. 

So while I was getting ready today, I tried to think about how I can shake this, how I can pull myself out of this.  I tried to evaluate my stress over the past couple of weeks, trying to figure out if there is something missing or something I'm not doing.  I will admit that my own self care goes by the wayside in place of caring for my family and others.  Lots of moms experience this, it's pretty common to ignore what we need to care for the needs of others.  It's probably the most common question I get as a La Leche League leader, how to balance life.

The last time I was feeling kind of blah, I found that random acts of kindness helped.  Making other people happy makes ME happy.  It makes me feel normal.  It lets me give back.  It's like good karma.  It reminds me that one person can make a difference, even if it's small.  I'm not going to tell what I did last time exactly, but it was fun and I enjoyed it.  And I'm not going to tell what I'm thinking about doing this time either.  I just wanted to share what helps me feel better and what helps me get myself back into balance.

Sometimes I hesitate with how much honesty I share here.  I'm torn between not wanting loved ones to worry and feeling that I owe it to others who are fighting like me to admit that I absolutely DO have bad days.  It's certainly not all sunshine and roses.  I do cry and I do get angry and I do feel sad.  But on the flip side, I'm so thankful and so happy and so in love and so at peace.  There is a place for all those feelings.  It's okay to experience them all, to let yourself experience them all. 

So to recap:  Feel your feelings.  Do something random and kind for someone else.  Strive for balance but be gentle with yourself. 

And suddenly the sun is shining and I have shit to do, so check ya later!  ;)