Guess what I did?

I ditched on chemo.  Well, not totally.  Let me go back to the beginning.

So I went to the chemo center today.  I had an appt to see my doc, and then was supposed to do Big Chemo.  After waiting and waiting, I got called back to do vitals and the blood draw.  And by waiting, I mean 45 minutes of waiting.  Then I waited some more in an exam room.

A doctor I didn't know came in after the nurse (no I did NOT fall since I've been here).  She explained that she was training and wanted to talk to me about my cancer, if that was all right with me.  Yeah, sure.  I told her the story of my diagnosis, blah blah blah.  She asked about my diet and exercise (both really impressed her, by the way).  I mentioned that my kids really keep me going. 

Then she committed Ultimate Sin #1:  she asked about my kids.

I started crying.  The more I learn and understand about this whole cancer business, the more I worry about not being here for them at some point.  How shitty is that to think about?  It sucks.  The doctor asked if I had family support and I said, "Of course I do."  Then she asked, "Then why are you crying?"

Uh.  BECAUSE I HAVE FREAKING CANCER IN MY LUNGS AND HELLO!  YOU NEED THOSE TO BREATHE!!!!

I didn't say that.  Instead I said, "Well, cancer in your lungs is pretty serious."

Then she suggested that I talk to someone.  I think she meant a professional.  This has been recommended to me before, and I don't know.  I feel like I'm doing okay, and isn't it okay for me to cry a little when someone asks me about the kids (especially someone who doesn't know me??).  I'd be worried about myself if I didn't show any emotion.  But I do want to lower my prozac dose, so maybe I should add in some chatty chat therapy.  I just don't know if I want someone who isn't in my situation telling me how I should or shouldn't deal with it all.

I guess I could vow to be more honest in this blog.

Yeah, that's right.  I don't tell you all everything.  Are you surprised?  Most of the time I don't want to think about all this, and I don't want anyone else to stress about it either.  I mean, I'm pretty open here. 

Anyway, my doc came in at that point and looked instantly worried.  I told him that the other doctor asked about my kids, and he nodded knowingly.  He gets it, I think.  Then I demanded my CBC results and guess what?  My white count is better!  Neutraphils are better.  The shot appears to have worked.  I was sooooooo relieved.

Then we talked about chemo.  Since my parents are going to be here this weekend, I decided a couple of weeks ago that I didn't want to be sick all weekend.  I know I need the chemo, but dammit, I haven't seen my parents in a long time (skype not included).  I suggested that I would do just Erbitux, but not full chemo.  The doc agreed right away.

Now I don't know how much following a particular schedule matters with the kind of chemo I'm getting.  Does pushing it off a week here and a week there matter much if we eventually do it all?  I was so glad the doc agreed to push Big Chemo off that I forgot to ask.  I'll try to remember next time.  I also wanted to ask about my next CT scan

Little Chemo was uneventful.  The chemo lounge was cram packed, and the nurse was in a hurry to get me out of there.  I don't blame her.  The nurses were all running around like crazy.  I slept for a good chunk of the time, thank you, Benedryl.

I don't want anyone to think that they can't ask me how I am, or ask how the kids are.  It's not that.  Honest.  Those of you who have been with me for awhile, you know me.  You know our family.  Chances are, I consider YOU family.  I don't mind answering questions about anything.  For real.  It's hard for me to talk about my worries about Eric and the kids, but I maybe should.  I love them so much.  I'm going to do my best to kick ass at this cancer stuff.  I feel like I owe it to them.  I must do it.

So that is that.  Next week, back on the Big Chemo wagon.