Wednesday, May 4, 2011

It's Early

I was complaining to Eric last night that the Tuesday before Big Chemo just doesn't have enough hours for me to get everything done that I want done.  You know, before I'm sick.  Yesterday was a busy day, much cleaning and cooking.  I can't relax on the day before Big Chemo anyway, so it's good there was so much to do. 

I don't know what I'm worried about.  Shouldn't this be no big deal by now?  I know I'm going to go in and it's going to take a long time.  As the time goes by, I'll gradually start feeling more and more crappy.  Thursday and Friday will kind of suck.  Saturday and Sunday will kind of suck a bit more.  Then by Monday, I'll feel better.  That's how it goes every time.  There's no reason to think it will be different.  But I don't know how to not be anxious about it.  I don't know how not to wake up in the night thinking about things.  I don't know if this will ever be better.

Maybe it's because I hate so much that it interrupts my life.  I can't do things I want to do or that I normally do.  I get tired so easily.  I just don't feel like myself.  Honest, I'm trying not to be a big baby about it.  I wish I could feel more at peace about Big Chemo.

Ah well.  It will be okay.  Hopefully my doc won't notice that I'm probably more tan than I was the last time I saw him. 

Positive thoughts and prayers for an uneventful Big Chemo today are appreciated.