Happy Mother's Day!

I hope all the mothers out there had a great day today. Mine has been pretty good so far. It's not a chemo weekend, so I actually felt like eating food. I made some yummy vegan food for the cook out we attended, and now there are rumors of Chinese food for dinner. Om nom nom nom.

It's also (hopefully) the last day I'll be wearing the wound vac. Of course it stinks more today than it ever has, blech. It's like the wound is taunting me with stink. I think not smelling like ass would be a very good thing. I'm still nervous about it, but it will be okay. And how nice would it be to pack and clean things and cook without dragging a wound vac around?

I'm trying to decide if I should have the chemo nurses run the Irinotecan and Leucovorin together or separately. I've had it both ways, and they both suck for different reasons. Running them together makes the day go faster, shaving off about an hour or more of time in the chemo lounge. The last time I did it though really kicked my ass. My legs were sore, I felt awful, I was exhausted. So do I spend a bunch of time at the chemo lounge? Or do I suck it up and get out of there fast? Most likely I'll do the latter. I still hate sitting around in the chemo lounge. Chemo makes me feel creepy crawly and like running away.

Is it just me, or do chemo drug names sound like dinosaur names?

I find myself wondering what will change once this is all over. Anything? Nothing? Have the changes happened already and if so, will they stick? In many ways I feel that I haven't changed at all. I still mock things and make wise cracky observations. I'm a goofy trashy music loving vegan sewing gardening fun time having mama just wanting life to be simple and easy. However, I now appreciate the ability to do laundry, to play with my kids, to drive my car. I feel fortunate that I'm able to take my kids to the park or read them a book. When I can load the dishwasher and make dinner, that's a damn good day. Not being able to do things like that makes me thankful for the future, when I can all the time, not just on off chemo weeks.

Someone please remind me of how thankful I am to be doing mundane household chores in a few months when I start bitching about it.

I think I feel more compassion for people who are dealing with cancer. My ears perk up when someone mentions cancer. I wonder what kind, how the person is doing, how the treatment is going. I feel really sad when I hear that someone died of cancer. Every day I hope this blog and me telling my story helps others.

I just want to be able to mother my children and take care of my husband and our home. That's what I'm really looking forward to in the coming weeks, months, years.

Anyway, I hope the day brought sunshine and good times for all the moms out there. Big hugs to both my moms, you are a help and inspiration to me all the time and I'm so glad you're both in my life.