I'm not good with change. Once we get in a groove, I'm reluctant to get out of it. This directly conflicts with me wanting to get rid of the wound vac, because that would be a HUGE change for me right now.
I just realized that Friday might be my last dressing change. On Monday we see the surgeon and it's likely that I'll at least take a two week break, if not just ditching it altogether. Is it weird that I'm a little freaked out by this? I don't like the wound vac, I don't like the time it sucks up three times a week to get it changed. I don't like not being able to shower every day. I don't like dragging the vac around. There are tons of things I dislike.
So what am I worried about? I'm worried about packing the wound twice a day. I'm worried about dealing with drainage (gross). I'm worried about changing up the routine. I'm worried about how the wound is going to continue healing, how to care for it. It's irrational. But there it is. It's one step closer to the normal, real world. And I feel like I haven't really been a part of the normal, real world in a long time. That's kind of scary.
I think I'm worried about expectations. Since I won't be doing chemo anymore and I won't have a wound vac anymore, what is going to be expected of me? I tend to expect a lot from myself, maybe sometimes too much. I think I'll have to be careful to know my limits and communicate those limits to friends and family. Being gentle with myself is important, and I need to give myself permission to do that.
I don't know if I'm ready to jump into Life Without Cancer. This has been such a long, hard road and I'm tired. It's like one day I'm doing treatment and then suddenly treatment will be done. I remember feeling weird about being done with radiation too. After going every day for so long, it was strange for it to be just over.
And what's going to happen to this blog? Do I keep it going but change the focus to just my everyday life? Do I start a new blog and just leave this one to the internets? This will take some thought. There will still be cancer related stuff in my life, what with scans and colonoscopies. I've been thinking about starting a vegan food blog or a Life in Columbus blog.
I feel better writing about my worries. Deep down, I think I know everything will be okay. One day at a time, right?