It's like the dam burst today, and everything just became so overwhelming. I seriously can't stop crying. I begged Eric to come home early, and I don't even have a reason. I'm not nauseaus anymore, I'm still feeling really tired, but I'm hanging in there. Then a friend stopped by with some food and I cried to her for fifteen minutes.
I hate feeling like that, like I can't do this anymore. There are people out there who are so much worse off than I am. I keep trying to think about the positives, that I'm going to make it through this. It's just not doing it for me today. Hell, even the kids were telling me it was going to be okay, which of course made me cry more.
Why should anyone have to go through this? I appreciated my life before, I swear. When other people would complain about their husband or their life, I would always think about how lucky I was to be happy. Now I'm dealing with a great big pile of shit and I hate it, and I hate that my family has to go through it too. My kids should be outside playing with a healthy mom not sitting inside watching tv. I'm trying to be gentle to myself and like my wise friend said today, take this time to heal, but it's so hard.
Fuck you, cancer, for taking my life and turning it upside down. Just because I'm pissed off at you, I'm going to make it through the last five chemo treatments and however many wound vac dressing changes just to show you that you can't keep me down. I'm going to get healthy again, no matter what.