It's like the dam burst today, and everything just became so overwhelming. I seriously can't stop crying. I begged Eric to come home early, and I don't even have a reason. I'm not nauseaus anymore, I'm still feeling really tired, but I'm hanging in there. Then a friend stopped by with some food and I cried to her for fifteen minutes.
I hate feeling like that, like I can't do this anymore. There are people out there who are so much worse off than I am. I keep trying to think about the positives, that I'm going to make it through this. It's just not doing it for me today. Hell, even the kids were telling me it was going to be okay, which of course made me cry more.
Why should anyone have to go through this? I appreciated my life before, I swear. When other people would complain about their husband or their life, I would always think about how lucky I was to be happy. Now I'm dealing with a great big pile of shit and I hate it, and I hate that my family has to go through it too. My kids should be outside playing with a healthy mom not sitting inside watching tv. I'm trying to be gentle to myself and like my wise friend said today, take this time to heal, but it's so hard.
Fuck you, cancer, for taking my life and turning it upside down. Just because I'm pissed off at you, I'm going to make it through the last five chemo treatments and however many wound vac dressing changes just to show you that you can't keep me down. I'm going to get healthy again, no matter what.
GET MAD AS HELL AND THEN GET EVEN. YOUR FIGHTING SPIRIT WILL GET YOU THROUGH THIS ROUGH PATCH. THERE WILL BE GOOD DAYS AND VERY, VERY BAD DAYS...........YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS! I KNOW THAT SOME DAYS IT SEEMS LIKE YOU WON'T BUT I PROMISE THAT YOU WILL. KEEP THAT FIGHTING SPIRIT AND CONTINUE MARCHING FORWARD!
ReplyDeleteDEBBIE DICKENS
YOUR FELLOW WARRIOR IN SUNNY AND WARM FLORIDA:)
DDRBBL1@AOL.COM
Hi Sheri. I'm a bit behind on your blog but reading this today made me want to write a note regarding your reflections on your kids and family having to go through this with you.
ReplyDeleteMy parents had so many challenges with my brother. No one really had answers for them. They had no support network. No internet to try and connect with other parents in the same boat. They did an amazing job. I can't speak for them but I can speak for myself. I know that I am a different person in a good way because I was exposed to that. Going through the painful,hard things is often the way to some serious growth. Even with my daughter's health stuff (Alagille's Syndrome), I continue to grow. I have a a new, real understanding that others may not have. Hopefully, I can connect and encourage others in the same place along the way as others have for me. So don't just view it as unfortunate for them. I don't know if you're a Bible believer but I love where it says "all things work together for those who love God".
Blessings and hugs,
Renee North