Sunday, November 22, 2009

My parents are visiting this weekend, and we had Vegan Thanksgiving last night! It felt so good to help cook a meal, and to enjoy a variety of foods, and it tasted pretty gosh darn awesome. So far the chickpea cutlets and chickpea gravy are not reacting the same way the bean burrito did. Thank goodness.

It was kind of emotional too. We started talking about the chemo I'll have after surgery. Just to fill everyone in, I'm looking at 8 cycles of folfox/folfuri, which means I'll go to the cancer center and sit in the chair to get infused. Then I'll take a chemo bag home with me for two days. I can disconnect it myself, and then I have a week off. I repeat this for 16 weeks.

At one point I told my mom I really don't want to go sit in the chair, and I started crying. I had been hoping I wouldn't have to go hang around the chemo area of the cancer center, but now it looks like I won't be able to escape that. Isn't it funny that I have more anxiety about going to sit in a chair than I did about getting my ass fried every day for 28 days? I have more anxiety about sitting in the chair than I do about the permenant ostomy I'm going to have. What is wrong with me? My mom asked what bothered me about the chemo area. I blurted out that everyone looks really sick, and she said, "Well they are really sick."

But I don't feel really sick like that. I don't think I look really sick. I don't see myself in the people sitting in those chairs. Maybe if I could identify with them it wouldn't be as bad. I joked about hitting up my doctor for some anti-anxiety meds, except I don't think I'll do that. There are enough drugs with enough side effects running through my veins. I probably don't need more.

So that's my confession for the day. I'm irrationally scared of the chemo chairs. I guess the good news is that I have 6-8 weeks to get all right with things.


  1. I would definitely keep you company at the chemo chair. Say the word.

  2. Julie said... I would love to keep you company in those Chemo chairs!! I wish I could be by your side all the way! I understand your anxiety, and to tell the truth, I find it amazing that you have all the strength you have to get through what you have gotten through already. You are awesome,daughter!! You are fortunate not to look as sick, or maybe even feel as sick. Your smile and your strength can and will make a difference in someone else's life when you go and sit in a Chemo Chair. What you say and what you do makes a difference in other people's lives even if you don't think it does. I love you soooo much!! Just know that we are there for you. If you need to talk about the stuff that upsets you, just blurt it out. I will listen and help if I can. You have taught me a lot about life already. We are never too old to learn. Love Mom