I have doubts. I worry. I get stressed out and want to give up. Some days I have to really talk myself into getting in the car and going to radiation. It's not all the time, feelings like this come and go. Most of the time I try not to be all defeatest because I don't have a choice. I can't give up, for tons of reasons that I've talked about before. Giving up isn't an option, but damn it's tempting sometimes.
But then my mailbox gets flooded with mail or there are kind messages in my email inbox, or on facebook. Little things, like the almost daily postcards I get from some of my internet friends. I have saved every postcard, letter, any piece of mail I've gotten. Big things, like the fleece snuggie I opened up today. Offers from faraway friends I've never even met in person to come and stay here to help with the kids. Huge things like the mama who wants me to have her stash of breastmilk because it's supposed to help with chemo side effects, and this is a mother I know has struggled in her breastfeeding relationship with her baby. Our freezer is full of food, my children are well taken care of when I have to be away from them, and if we need anything there are countless people we can call.
I am so overwhelmed today by the kindness and awesomeness of the people in my life. I haven't been able to quit crying since I started opening my mail today, it's so amazing how generous and selfless people can be. Someday I will pay it forward to the best of my ability.
But now I need to get a grip. My children are insane, it's a bit past their rest time, and I could use some rest time myself.