So Eric changed my ass wound dressing the other morning, just like always, and I don't know what my deal was that day, but I started crying. You'd think after so much time has passed I'd be used to just dealing with everything, but I don't know. It got to me that day. It wasn't one thought or anything, it was everything. Sometimes I feel so sad that we're all dealing with this again.
And to think, I was considering dropping back down on my prozac.
I did the old Fake It Until You Make It, and when that didn't work, I went for a run. When I'm running, I feel like I'm doing something positive, so I guess it's good that I started running last September.
I thought about a lot of things that day. It was a nice day to lay on a picnic table bench and stare at the clouds and the birds. It was a nice day to swing in one of those bench swings and watch the bumblebees. I didn't want to go anywhere that day, but I'm glad I did.
Eric's and my first date, the first time we kissed, was on March 20th. Twelve years ago. I hope and wish that we get another twelve more.
I plan to keep as busy as possible on Tuesday. I think chemo this Wednesday is, for some reason, getting to me even more than the very first one. I don't know why that is. Maybe reality has set in. I'm not liking some of my reality.
Sigh. Trying to stay positive is hard work.
I wish I could say something to make it all better. This stuff totally sucks, and it's something that one should not have to ever deal with, especially more than once. I am thinking of you all the time, and I wish you nothing but a peaceful, great-feeling week in which you can carve out many moments of joy.
ReplyDeletePS Stop making those of us with no excuses who are not running regularly look bad. Sincerely, a very lazy friend ;)
My mom fought Breast Cancer for almost 6 years, went into remission for a year only to find out Leukemia was kicking her ass. She beat both of them. I wish you strength, confidence and courage while you fight your battle. You CAN do it. YOU CAN DO IT!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to be depressed.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to cry.
Trying to stay positive while facing something as tough as this IS very hard. Continuing to take the Prozac doesn't make you any less of a person. IMO, it makes you MORE of a person because you are doing something to stay strong for Reese & Eli.
I ♥ you, you rock.
Don't be afraid to break down and cry. It is very cleansing and healing. Lying to the world day after day and saying, "I'm doing okay." is really hard. Find a loving friend who cherishes your companionship and spill your guts, make yourself vulnerable. Then head back out to check out the beautiful clouds again.
ReplyDeleteLove and healing energy to an amazing, strong woman. Hugs Mama. <3
I can't ever imagine a time when you'd be "ok" with any of this. I'd think you just get used to the going through the motions of it all, and have some uneasy emotions mixed in. Hugs to you, and hope that you have a better day soon.
ReplyDelete