The amount of ridiculousness I dealt with today...ugh.
All right. I asked the oncologist about taking the pump off at home a few weeks ago, and he said it wouldn't be a problem. Well today, it was a problem. The nurses freaked out. "Oh no, we don't do that here. We like to have you come back in two days." Eric and I persisted, and the nurse got the doctor involved. The doctor, the nurse, and I had a conversation about things. And I must say, I think it's pretty crappy to try to SCARE a groggy, chemical laden woman into doing what you want her to do. But I still fought. I was nice, but matter of fact. I asked about a written policy. I offered numerous times to sign a waver. I honestly don't want anyone to get in trouble. But this is about me.
It's about my control of this situation. I often feel that so much of my life is out of control. I try to be okay with that. But things I can control, like cutting my hair or getting another tattoo, or having Eric remove the pump? Having Eric remove the pump is more convenient for me, but it also keeps our family together more often (since the kids are not allowed in the cancer center building beyond the atirum). It conserves resources and time. And I just prefer Eric to do it.
In the end, no head nurse ever showed up, no written policy appeared, and I signed nothing. We had to go to the pharmacy and pay what I thought is rather excessive for saline and heparin, but oh well.
I don't want to paint doctors and nurses as mean or bad people. The nurse who worked with me today was absolutely awesome. I like my doctor. I have run in to very very few doctors or nurses that I thought weren't really great people. But sometimes I do think the patient is lost to policy and procedure. Explain the risks and benefits, ALL OF THEM, and then let me make my own choice and stop trying to sway me with scary stories of chemo contamination to my kids.
Aside from that junky junk, chemo today wasn't too terrible. The erbitux didn't make me feel much different. The rest didn't hit me until I got home. I crashed in my recliner for a little while, then went to bed for a while too. I think next week's Little Chemo will be much easier.
The chemo lounge is super nice. There's a microwave, a fridge loaded with soda, lots of snacky snacks. TVs all over the place. Warm blankets aplenty. People asking if you need anything. The bathrooms were nice too, I spent a goodly time peeing today.
Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers and messages I got today. Doing chemo today, getting over the fear and dread, it was a good thing for me. I can do this. I want to do it for myself and for my family.