So. I have a scan tomorrow. I was able to blow it off in my mind until I picked up my barium last Thursday. Suddenly the scan becomes real when I get the barium and paperwork. I wish I could say that I'm going into it confident, but man, I'm so not.
How appropriate that the sermon at church yesterday was about courage.
I've had countless people tell me I'm strong, brave, etc. I don't feel like any of those adjectives most of the time. Okay, really at any point in time. I told my therapist once that I forge ahead because I have to, I don't have a choice. I have people depending on me, and I don't have time to live life curled up in a ball under my covers. She gently suggested that perhaps I do have a choice, that there are people who, in my situation, would hide away and not step up. I can't imagine doing that.
The biggest thing I took away from the sermon (hopefully this was one of the big points!!) is that courage is the strength to obey God even if I am afraid and even when it is hard. Is persisting in taking care of my family and going to treatments obeying? I like to think it is. I'm here for a reason, and since I am still here, God wants me here. Wouldn't it be really lame of me to turn tail and run away from treatments or my responsibilities?
One of the things I did at the suggestion of my therapist was explore the definition of courage. I decided to see what the Bible says about courage and found this:
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
There are tons of verses about courage in the Bible, which leads me to believe that I'm not alone in how I feel. It's comforting to me that I'm not alone in this struggle. I'm not the only person who every day asks for help and faith and trust. I'm not the only one who needs encouragement to not lose heart. Don't you think that's amazing?
And with that, I face my To Do list, the great Getting Ready for Chemo. Well, perhaps more coffee first. :)
If you don't mind, please pray that I can have faith and courage like Rahab. And if you don't know who she is, go get your google on. It's a good story with a happy ending.