Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Freaking Out

Tuesday is the day I typically lose my shit, guys.  I look around and look at my to do list and internally I start feeling whirly.  I can't do chemo on Thursday with the house looking like it does.  There is next to no make ahead food ready.  Thank goodness the grocery shopping is done, but I spent all morning doing that (well, and a stop at a yarn store, but I have to have a little fun). 

Sigh.  I just don't feel mellow like I normally feel.  I feel all keyed up and jittery (no coffee to blame on that one).  Part of me doesn't even know where to start with my list.  Ugh.

I've talked to my therapist about this.  She suggested that I'm taking control of totally rational things (the state of the house, prepping meals, etc).  Control is hard for me.  I used to have this planned out life, I was in charge, I knew what was going on, it was all me.  With cancer in my body, I feel like so much of my life has been snatched away.  A chunk of my time has been taken every other week.  The amount of things I can do is limited at times.  What I want to be just doesn't work out when I'm on chemo.  It's hard.

I'm trying to let go.  I'm trying to trust God's plan and trust His blessings for me. 

Jeremiah 32:17  Oh Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and your outstretched arm.  Nothing is too hard for you.

Right?  I don't think God wants me to be freaking out about chemo.  I know He wants me to rest in Him.  That is so hard for me.  For what's left of today, I'm going to try to remember that I don't have to control everything. 


  1. Do you have anyone who can help with meals? Friends, family, church people?

  2. Meals aren't a huge deal...I've been making a few dinners each week ahead of time. I don't mind doing that, and it seems that the busier I can keep myself, the less I worry.