Things I Enjoy

Building lego sets with the kids (Hogworts Castle this time)
Helping Reese learn to ride her bike, and watching her comic tips/falls (she gets up laughing, no worries)
the hustle and bustle of packing for a beach vacation
the Big Huge Hugs I get in the morning after the kids wake up
laying in my husband's arms at night
ICE COLD WATER
making lists and plans
My waving Lucky Cat
learning new things and good discussions
a clean kitchen
a busy sewing area, complete with a project list
family dinners
running in the morning coolness (yes, 77 degress is cool to me)
mango muffins
that most of the time our biggest problems are first world problems
waves on the beach (can't wait to see them!)
watching cooking shows and competitions
afternoon reading with Reese and Eli
Panang Curry
the quiet in the morning before everyone wakes up

There are always good things, even if sometimes we can't see them.  I'm choosing to seek the good things today.

I ate too many noodles

They tasted good, all salty and Daiya cheeze-y.  Blech.

Pump disconnect went pretty okay.  The nurse was appropriately sympathetic, and asked about my treatment, how many Big Chemos I have left.  I think it's four.  That's not very many, right?  And maybe I can go on maintanence chemo?  Holy hell, I hope so. 

No more chemo until the first Wednesday of August, which, if you were wondering, is August 3rd.  (eyeroll)

In the meantime, I'll be at the beach.  Don't tell my doc.  Hahahhahahaaha.

Infusion went well yesterday, very calm and no drama.  I showed up at 8:30am, didn't wait more than a few minutes, and was booted out around 2pm with my best friend, the pump.  (hahahaha, NOT)

One of the worst things about infusion is falling asleep from the benedryl and then waking up having to pee when the benedryl isn't quite worn off yet.  I have to walk really careful because I know if I fall someone will freak out.  I haven't fallen yet!  I watched Daria again, did a lot of dozing off.

So.  Do you think I'd hate the pump less if I made some sort of fun and funky cover for it?  Because it's either that or some permenant graffiti, and I don't know if the company I'm borrowing it from would like that.  If I come up with something, I'll post it.  There's really no need to walk around sporting a boring black pump when I have a sewing machine and piles of fabric!

I woke up a lot last night, having weird dreams.  Finally at about 5am I just got out of bed.  Maybe too much Sonic Blue Coconut slushie yesterday afternoon?  That's the best thing after chemo.

So are you waiting on the edge of your seat to see if I ever got out of my funk?

I think I did.  There are good days and bad days, but that's normal for anyone.  At any rate, I'm hanging in there.

Actually the most annoying thing in my life right this moment is dealing with scheduling and the clinic.  You'd think after all these months it wouldn't be a big deal.  I feel like I'm speaking another language sometimes when I talk to these people.  All I want to do is cancel my appt for next Wed, and reschedule for the Wed after that, have my onc appt in the morning and do my Little Chemo after that.  Is that really so hard?  Really?  Is it?  And if so, can I schedule out a few weeks, maybe a month at a time?  I'm so sorry that I have CHILDREN and need to arrange care for them.  I always thought I was ahead of the game because I don't have an outside job to work around.  Honestly, it would be nice if the person scheduling would, instead of being a snotty beeyach would acknowledge that it all sucks.  Just tell me you are sorry for what I'm dealing with and in a nice way ask how you can help.  I feel that I'm a reasonable person, I get that schedules fill up, and I get that I'm not the only person at the clinic.

Frustrating.  And when I encounter a snotty attitude like I did last week, I just want to lash out.  My kids and husband didn't ask for this shit.  We're all depending on having appointments on WEDNESDAYS, can we just make that work somehow?

I don't know...part of it too for me is that I'm tired of dealing with it ALL.  It makes me weary.  It makes me worry.  It makes me wish I could run away (preferably to the beach).

Well, I have things to do today, which include building Hogworts castle and teaching my kid some math.  If you have big hugs and positive thoughts for tomorrow (which is a Big Chemo day), I'll take 'em.

Funk you, Funk.

I get into funks, you know, where I just want to hide all day long.  I look around and see things that need to be done and I can't seem to bring myself to do them.  Simple things, like deleting emails, seem like climbing a mountain.  I'm starting to remind myself of those hokey depression commercials where the cloud follows the lady (it's always a lady too, isn't it??) or she falls into a hole or whatever.  I also have a headache which is most likely due to staying up too late last night reading a Dean Koontz book.  Today is just one of those days when I'm feeling sorry for myself and pouting.

Things are going well, honestly.  There is a medical plan, at least until September and another scan.  Eric is taking us to the beach at the end of the month.  I'm busily planning our homeschool year, buying books and thinking about schedules and routines.  Yesterday I put a couple Lego sets together with Eli, and this weekend I'm going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt 2.  I have awesome friends and a cool family.  I found a really neat recipe for Salsa Verde Burgers with Avocado Mayo, and I got FOUR new cookbooks for my birthday. 

I think the thing that sucks the most about cancer is the shadow of it covers your whole life.  Sometimes the shadow is heavier than other times, but even if it's light, it's still always there.  Maybe the best I can do is keep taking care of myself.  I should start yoga again, I've been a yoga slacker. 

I don't know.

But for today, there is cleaning to be done (I'm lookin' at you, homeschool shelves).  Homeschool books to buy.  Sewing is waiting for me too.  I'm not sure what will help me out of this funk, but I'll keep on keepin' on.

I think everyone has challenges in life, and things that they can work on.  Over these past couple years, I have come to find that one thing I have a really hard time with is asking for and accepting help from others.  I'm not sure why this is.  What is it about asking for help that is so hard?  Am I worried that I will be turned away without reason?  Am I afraid that I will look weak or appear too needy?  Am I worried about taking more than I am able to give?  Inconveniencing others? 

I can think of many times when I should have asked for help and didn't.  When Reese and I were having so much trouble breastfeeding at the beginning.  When I struggled with difficult situations in high school and college.  When I have just needed to talk to someone over the past couple years.

In most cases, people WANT to help.  People want to feel needed.  I know this.  I feel the same way, I'm happy to help others.  My first reaction when someone asks if I need anything is to say, "Oh no, I'm fine."  I know that friends have said the same thing when I offered to help them, and I wonder if they just feel the same way I do about accepting help.  It's hard, even though I know in my mind that we're all better together, helping each other.

This is something I will ponder and work on.

It's amazing the lessons you learn (and learn, and learn, haha) on the journey, isn't it?

I think it would not be a Big Chemo weekend if I didn't cry about something.  What's my deal today?  Sometimes it all comes crashing down at unexpected times, like when I'm trying to run.  Some stupid Katy Perry song comes on about being a lighting bolt or a firework or whatever, and suddenly I'm leaking tears and snotting all over my tank top.  And then I start thinking all kinds of stuff that I don't want to think about, because after all, I was just trying to go for a freaking run.

Sigh.

I'm okay.  Sort of.  You know, as okay as I think I can be at this point in time.  There are a couple things that I think will help me feel better, and I'm going to get those going today.

The sun is still shining, you know.  I think that things can't be too terribly bad if the sun is shining.

Successfully Disconnected

It kind of took a while though.  There's a new sign in the waiting room informing us that a new computer system is being installed and that there might be "slight delays."  I found the delay to be no longer than what the usual delay is, so perhaps the computer system is working just fine?  At any rate, the receptionist put the bracelet on much looser this time, so whatever they're doing, I guess I approve.

I got a trainee nurse, but she did fine.  Although when she shot me up with the neulasta, it hurt like a bitch and I think I have a bruise.  I got to tell my story (again) and then she asked about my kids and I didn't even cry.  (All right, I almost did, but not quite).  We chatted about homeschooling.  It's actually kind of nice when the nurses are chatty because most of the time I don't know what to say or am lost in my own irritability.  It feels awkward to just sit in silence but by Friday with the pump, I am just not into starting the small talk.

Today I'm tired.  The neulasta headache is all over my neck and my upper arms, and even my hips hurt a little.  Squeeze those good blood cells out!  I'm positive I'm going to wear myself out today, but I hate missing out on everything.  There's a treasure hunt this afternoon, and church in the evening.  I think I can nap inbetween those things.  Even taking a shower today will park me in the chair for a while.  Frustrating.

But tomorrow will be better, and I'll go for a very slow run/walk.  Have a great weekend, all!

The Cancer Center is now making patients wear bracelets.  Everyone.  And apparently someone instructed the check in nurse to put it on REAL TIGHT.  Next time I'll know to suggest that she relax.  It might seem that I'm trying to escape, but I just like to wander.

My premeds were ready quickly, so I got prepared for the benedryl.  Today I listened to Sheryl Crow.

It was so weird to wake up from my benedryl nap feeling...fine?  Then I noticed there was only one bag hanging up, and it was plain old fluids.  After a trip to the bathroom (got a great seat today, by the way!!), I returned to find three nurses clustered around my file.  It turned out I was waiting on the pharmacy.  Lame.  The good news at that point was that I'd already done the Erbitux.

I watched some Aqua Teen Hunger Force (thanks for the b-day gift, Mom and Dad!!) and then some Daria.  It was all quite uneventful. 

I've been sleeping on and off in my recliner all evening though.  It's surprising how much more tired this all makes me than it did at first.  Count down to Friday and pump removal!!  Thanks always for the thoughts and prayers.

I'm 34

That's right, I turned 34 years old a few days ago.  I'm good with it.  My age hasn't really stressed me out, not that I can remember anyway.  I liked my 20s, I'm liking my 30s.  There's something new and different every year, I learn new things and experience new things.  I'm glad to have a great husband and kids to share it with.

I don't know what the future holds.  I try hard not to worry too much about it and live in today.  Sometimes it's hard to think that I might not get to grow old with Eric the way I always thought I would when we were younger.  It's difficult to even type that.

Of course, that's the future, and since I don't know, I'm going to set that aside and enjoy today.

Hopefully I'll get a chance to post some pics later tonight or tomorrow!