First of all, and probably most important to me, THANK YOU for all the support and positive thoughts and prayers. I appreciate every single one.
Many have been asking about the schedule for the follow up, so here it is:
PET Scan on January 27th
follow up with doc February 3rd
The biopsy isn't scheduled yet. Eric is going to call and clarify about that because we thought we weren't going to see the doc again until after the PET and biopsy. So we'll figure that stuff out soon.
How am I feeling? People ask that and I'm never quite sure if they really, REALLY want to know. It seems like an obligatory question, doens't it? So most times, unless I know the person well, I'll just say I'm okay. Hanging in there. Trying to stay positive.
The real answer? I'm scared as fuck, man. Hacking out my rectum, yeah yeah, whatever, I don't really NEED that, you know? I'm obviously doing just fine without it. The stoma and I are pals. My freaking lungs? Yeah. Kinda need those, now, don't I?
I think about my kids and how they need a mom, and about my husband and how he needs a wife and partner. This is so unfair and hard for them.
I think about chemo and how much I hated it, and how by the end I didn't even know if I could do it anymore.
I think about possible surgery and how scary that is and how much I don't like being put under and the knives, holy shit, the knives! This is probably the biggest reason I haven't had my ass wound fixed yet.
Eric talked me down some last night, helpfully pointing out that the lesions are small, that we still have options, that we are going to fight this hard.
Do I have it in me to keep fighting? I hope so, because I have to.
There are a lot of unknowns right now, and I tend to the worst case scenario. I don't know what the future holds. That in itself is agonizing.
So there you go. That's how I'm feeling in a relatively short blog post. I don't mean to sound like a crank, but maybe don't ask me how I'm feeling anymore for a while. Telling me you're thinking of me and my family and then quickly changing the subject would be awesome. If you ask me how I'm feeling, I'm 99% sure I will cry. And I am sick of crying.
Hugs, and as always, go hug your kids. Tell the people you love that you love them. I know I will.