I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, being real. In light of a couple of comments over the last few days, I wanted to bring it up again, and really just examine myself about this topic.
I will admit that I have a hard time being real sometimes...it's easier to answer a "How are you" with "I'm good" than to go into how I'm really feeling. Maybe I should be saying something like Dave Ramsey, "More blessed than I deserve." It's such a hard question, especially if I'm not sure if the asker really wants to know. Are they just being polite? I don't tell everyone I come in contact with about my situation, about the pain in my lower back that hasn't gone away, about how sad cancer makes me sometimes. It brings up a discussion of how real one should be to be considered real.
Balance. And choices.
Someone who had just been told about our family said he was surprised, he never would have guessed it because the kids are so happy and we're always smiling on the way into church. I smile when I go into church because I like being there. It's a choice for me to see the blessings in my life, and those things make me genuinely happy. It's not a fake face. Church services bring out all my emotions, and I don't hide the tears. After all, I'm there before God, not for anyone else.
My therapist asked about putting on a "brave face," and I thought about that a lot this morning. In my mind, this is also about balance. I'm learning when to ask for help if I need it, when to share, when it's safe and okay to cry. I wouldn't start crying to someone on the street that I didn't know, but does that mean I'm not real?
So I travel this path, praying and trying to find balance. What's good for me? What's good for my family? Am I being real today? The last thing I want to do is act like I have it all together when I *so* feel like I don't. I want to be honest about my joys and my struggles. I hope this blog reflects that.
Just what I've been thinking about today.
I took my poison pills today. People keep asking me how I feel on the pills...last night I told someone I feel fine, maybe a bit weepy, but fine. I look at my hands and wonder if they're dryer than they were before. I'm trying to notice if my feet hurt. Really, I'm just cranky that I have to do this in the first place. Otherwise, life continues. Homeschooling and grocery lists and Wednesday night church and loving my husband and kids and laundry and dishes. I'm quite happy and thankful to be a participant, striving to be real like Naomi and have faith like Ruth.