I didn't sleep very well last night. I kept waking up thinking about stuff, like what are the kids going to have for lunch on Thursday? Should I try to make some muffins Wednesday night after we get home? And just waking up thinking Chemo. Chemo. Chemo.
Every time I woke up, I tried to pray. Not for myself necessarily, but just for anyone who came to mind. It seems to help, or at least works my brain away from the pity party it seems to want to have in the middle of the night. I've been trying to figure out what is different. I haven't had any therapist time since mid-July...it's possible that time to talk was doing me more good than I realized. The last I heard, the new therapist is starting in a couple weeks. I thought I could be done, but it will be a positive thing for me to go back.
So today I was writing some Bible verses on index cards in preparation for homeschooling (it's a memory system I'm trying this year). I came upon this verse:
Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
It stopped me. In the background of my mind, I wondered about God's plan. I know deep in my heart that this is all for good. It sometimes seems like it's too hard for me, and I don't want to do it anymore. But maybe it's not about me. Maybe the important thing about all this shit is other people, and how it affects them and their lives. Taking the focus off myself is actually very freeing, and there's a lesson about loving people and trusting God in there too.
Will it help me sleep better tonight? I don't know. The busy day we had will help more, a great day with friends in a city far away from the cancer center.
So...can I pray for you? I'd like to very much. Big hugs.