Wednesday, October 26, 2011

CT Scan day! And some spiritual ramblings

It went fine.  I only had to drink one bottle of barium, about which my guts are very happy.  Instead of nothing by mouth after midnight, I was given until 5am to drink water.  I chugged a couple glasses at about 3am, by the way.  In the waiting room, I sat all of three minutes before being called back. 

The nurse had a little trouble getting the IV in...but sometimes my veins are finicky.  No big deal. 

A good friend hung out by the cafe with the kids, and we didn't get lost in the parking ramp.  Overall, it was a nice experience. 

I wish this all was a nice experience mentally.  It's not.  Inside myself, I've been a wreck since probably last Friday.  Finally on Sunday Eric asked me if I was worried about the scan.  Can you believe I didn't connect my anxiety to the scan until that moment?  There's probably some anxiety about chemo tomorrow too.  I've been running again regularly, that helps.  I've been praying too, asking for help to be strong and positive. 

I cried all through church last week.  It's very hard for me to believe that God loves me as much as he does when I'm going through something so shitty.  Sometimes (okay, often) I think I must not have enough faith.  My rabbi friend Brian from Columbus told me that all I need is faith the size of a mustard seed.  That's all?  I can do that.  I believe there's a plan, I just don't get to know how it ends.  I struggle with this.  I'm the person who will read the last chapter of the book to find out how it ends (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I'm talking about you).  I do know that when I go to church, when I go to a Bible study, when I read and pray on my own, I feel more peaceful.  Since I need to feel peaceful so I don't totally freak out, I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

I didn't intend to get all religious on your asses, just wanted to share what's in my head lately.  It's a progress, faith and religion. 

So the plan today is to get ready for chemo tomorrow.  I'm going to throw some veg chili together for the crockpot, take a trip to the post office, try to get out for another run today or tomorrow morning.  School my children (we've been at it for ten weeks so far...awesome!!).  Maybe finish a couple little sewing projects.

Your prayers and positive thoughts are, as always, much appreciated.  After I see the doc tomorrow, I'll report back!

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