Sunday, July 22, 2012


Eric:  I found a blog you might like, I'll post it on facebook.
Me:  yeah, mumble, mumble

It's not that I don't LIKE other blogs.  I usually love them.  The knowledge though that there are sooooo many other cancer blogs bums me out, to be honest.  But I said I would check it out, so I did.

Wow.  You should check it out too:  Secrets of Cancerhood

So many things the author wrote resonate with me.  One topic really spoke to me, guilt and cancer.  I know what you're thinking.  I think it too.  Why should I feel guilty?  Cancer wasn't my fault, at least as far as we can tell.

But I do.  At times the guilt is overwhelming.  I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just jump into the deep end.  I have horrible guilty feelings that I might die and leave my children without a mother.  Eric without a wife and partner.  They don't deserve that.  I don't dwell on this constantly, but it pops into my head from time to time.  Cancer is very unforgiving and just plain mean.  I know this is a possibility.  And yet when I think about it, there's no way I regret the kids or Eric.  The world is a better place with Reese and Eli in it, for sure. 

I feel guilty that I can't even take care of myself sometimes (okay, most times) on chemo weekends.  What if it gets worse?  I feel guilty that Eric has to pack my butt wound every day, even though he says he doesn't mind.  I feel guilty that I won't feel good enough to go to the church family outing this Friday because of treatment.  I feel guilty that Eli had a very small cupcake party instead of a super cool birthday party because his birthday fell on a chemo weekend.  I feel guilty that talking about cancer makes Reese feel sad.  I feel guilty when I know these thoughts and feelings will make others sad.  I feel guilty that I can't just be normal.  I even feel guilty when someone else dies and I'm still alive.

It's just one big ball of guilt, guys.

Rationally, I know these things aren't MY fault.  I didn't go seeking cancer, inviting it into my world.  I can't help what the treatments do to me.  I get it, I really do.  Yet there it is.  The guilt.

So what do I do to combat it?  I try to be gentle with myself.  I try to remember that I need to share with others what I'm going through so they can minister to me and my family.  I love on Eric and the kids as much as possible.  I pray for strength and courage and faith.  I try to think about and care for other people when I can.

If you have time, check out the blog I posted, and find her writings about guilt.  She's wise.

Pray for my family and me as we walk this difficult walk. 

Philippians 4:13   I can do all this through him who gives me strength.


  1. I stumbled on your blog when I was going to write on my blog about some things that were bothering me today. Now I'm feeling somewhat guilty about even bothering to post what I was about to say.

    I've known many people in my lifetime with cancer. They have all been through rounds and rounds of chemo and radiation and subsequently died after losing half their body weight and suffering in every imaginable way.

    So far, I have not been diagnosed but I had always told my family...I'd rather not know if I did have cancer. As a result, I have avoided check ups that should have happened. I resolved in my mind that if I were ever to be told that I had it, I would opt out of chemo and radiation because in the people I've known that had cancer/chemo/radiation they'd spent tons of money for treatment that was suppose to help save their lives and the quality of life that they had while on chemo/radiation had left alot to be desired.

    I know, I'm stubborn...right? Living in this experience can you take the time to enlighten me on the subject. Some people say that this plan is very selfish of me as I do have a child but I rationalize that he is grown and really wouldn't need to see me like this anyway.

    Are you glad you have opted for the treatments? That is my dying question. I'm sorry if this question bothers you in any way. I don't mean to be is just my personal question and not meant to harm anyone. Does it allow you quality time with your family that you would have otherwise not been around for?

    I watched my dad wither away at 19 and I can't say that it was a pretty sight. It has been more than 25 years since then. I would have hoped the treatments and the cures for cancer would have made my days easier to bear if I had ever come face to face with that decision.

    I just need to ask. It's okay if you don't respond. I do not want to add more guilt to the equation of your life.

    Thank you for sharing what you wrote about guilt. Just really gives me something to think about.

  2. Sheri, I also feel sad when I think of you with cancer. It makes me cry!!! I worry about your family. I often wish there was something I could do. I know as a mother I have often felt like a failure. Like I didn't do everything I should have done or should do now. I think that everyone feels guilt at one time or another in their lives. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I often feel that is really they only thing I can do. I love you, so much! Love, Mom

  3. Speaking of the wound..Is there any hope of it healing soon or will you have to deal with it for the forseeable future? Women are good at guilt, yours is on a higher level, considering the magnitude of your condition. Wishing you peace...

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