Guilt

Eric:  I found a blog you might like, I'll post it on facebook.
Me:  yeah, mumble, mumble

It's not that I don't LIKE other blogs.  I usually love them.  The knowledge though that there are sooooo many other cancer blogs bums me out, to be honest.  But I said I would check it out, so I did.

Wow.  You should check it out too:  Secrets of Cancerhood

So many things the author wrote resonate with me.  One topic really spoke to me, guilt and cancer.  I know what you're thinking.  I think it too.  Why should I feel guilty?  Cancer wasn't my fault, at least as far as we can tell.

But I do.  At times the guilt is overwhelming.  I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just jump into the deep end.  I have horrible guilty feelings that I might die and leave my children without a mother.  Eric without a wife and partner.  They don't deserve that.  I don't dwell on this constantly, but it pops into my head from time to time.  Cancer is very unforgiving and just plain mean.  I know this is a possibility.  And yet when I think about it, there's no way I regret the kids or Eric.  The world is a better place with Reese and Eli in it, for sure. 

I feel guilty that I can't even take care of myself sometimes (okay, most times) on chemo weekends.  What if it gets worse?  I feel guilty that Eric has to pack my butt wound every day, even though he says he doesn't mind.  I feel guilty that I won't feel good enough to go to the church family outing this Friday because of treatment.  I feel guilty that Eli had a very small cupcake party instead of a super cool birthday party because his birthday fell on a chemo weekend.  I feel guilty that talking about cancer makes Reese feel sad.  I feel guilty when I know these thoughts and feelings will make others sad.  I feel guilty that I can't just be normal.  I even feel guilty when someone else dies and I'm still alive.

It's just one big ball of guilt, guys.

Rationally, I know these things aren't MY fault.  I didn't go seeking cancer, inviting it into my world.  I can't help what the treatments do to me.  I get it, I really do.  Yet there it is.  The guilt.

So what do I do to combat it?  I try to be gentle with myself.  I try to remember that I need to share with others what I'm going through so they can minister to me and my family.  I love on Eric and the kids as much as possible.  I pray for strength and courage and faith.  I try to think about and care for other people when I can.

If you have time, check out the blog I posted, and find her writings about guilt.  She's wise.

Pray for my family and me as we walk this difficult walk. 

Philippians 4:13   I can do all this through him who gives me strength.