I had a very kind friend tell me that I'm brave. Whenever someone says something like that, my brain screams, "No, I'm not!" And the big list of reasons parades about. I'm scared. I worry. In my head I act like a baby (and maybe sometimes outside of my head too). I cry. I hide from my family. I emotionally eat. These things don't seem to be things a brave person would do.
I protested gently, "I don't feel very brave. I just feel like regular people."
"Someday you'll look back on this and see how brave you were," she assured me.
I don't know what the future holds. I think one thing I'll look back on are all the amazing ways our family is blessed. That Eric's job is flexible. That the cancer center allows children to appointments. That we have so many awesome friends and that our families are supportive. That my kids are so great, and that they're healthy. And maybe I'll even be able to be thankful for cancer, which revealed all these things to me. I don't know.
As for being brave, I'm just keeping on keeping on. What else am I going to do? Skip out on chemo? Not likely. Go curl up in a ball in my bed and never come out? *eye roll* For today, I'm going to aks God to help me be strong, and I'm going to hang out with my kids and kiss my husband and feel love.
Prayers, of course, are always welcome. I think the brave people are the ones who pray for me.