One of the things I've been thinking about and struggling with lately has been getting back to myself. Cancer not only takes over your body, it takes over your life. For many months it was cancer, cancer, treatment, cancer, surgery, cancer, scans. In some ways, it never goes away, at least it hasn't for me. Now that treatment is done, I'm living scan to scan. It was like some crazy full time job with double overtime that I wasn't allowed to quit.
And then I got fired.
So now what?
That's what I'm trying to figure out. It's as if I have to build myself back up after being torn down. And it kind of sucks in some ways. This body is different for one thing. No menstral cycle, hot flashes, a lingering spaciness (which I really REALLY don't like), not to mention the physical issues of my guts being different and getting used to an ostomy, sexual issues, tightness in my hips that I can't seem to get stretched out. I've gone through changes in a matter of months that most people get to ease into over a period of years. It's hard.
I'm trying to go with the flow. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I'm doing what I can to not stress. I'm working on getting healthy, exercise, yoga, eating decently healthfully, taking vitamins, boosting my immune system.
But sometimes I get a little frustrated. Okay, a LOT frustrated. And angry. What the hell kind of karma is this? What am I supposed to be learning? Why did the lesson have to be so so harsh? I'm not really looking for answers to these questions. I think that sometimes people just have bad luck. Maybe it's supposed to make you stronger, maybe it's supposed to help you appreciate what you do have, maybe it's supposed to lead you to doing something greater. I don't know. I think sometimes you don't get to have all the answers. And I don't know that the answers come from people. I think they come from inside, from learning and growing.
Anyway, it's a journey, right? I'm doing the best I can with the knowledge and ability I have. It isn't always easy. In the now, I'll keep working on myself.
Sometimes I think you've just flipped the top of my head open, reached in, pulled out my thoughts and written them here.
ReplyDeleteI wrote my Thanks list. It's quite long.
I have a full time job at cancer too, we may not work in the same office, but I'm pretty sure it's the same company.
It's a pretty shitty company, isn't it? Blech.
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