Tuesday, December 7, 2010

It's late

and I should be sleeping. But I can't quit thinking. I popped into the colon club the other day to find out that a member I didn't know very well, but still recognized, had died suddenly. She was only 31, I believe. Of course I felt sad, it's just not fair, you know?

I think it freaked me out some too. More than some. I try so so hard not to worry about the so far unidentifiable spots on my lungs. I'm working on thinking positive, and I do, most of the time, but there's always that Holy Shit thought, that little tiny thought. It hangs around, it won't go away. I almost think this is worse than before, when we knew what was going on inside my body and had a plan that was more than Wait.

So I'm a little weepy about it tonight. And thinking too much. Part of me hates to even write about this because I don't want to freak other people out. Then again, I think it's okay to feel this way, to feel scared, to feel worried. I think it's okay to do some crying.

And tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to love on my kids and my husband and my friends and my family. I feel really lucky for every day I have because some people don't get as many days as I do.

Maybe getting this out will help me get to sleep. Mornings come awfully early around here. :)


  1. Thanks for still posting and keeping it real. It really helps and makes me feel not alone in this.

  2. I feel your pair. My lung spots did become mets. I worry every day about the future. Yes, it freaked me out too when Starbuck passed. We have to try to be positive. I know that it's hard.