Bummer, man, but only a little bummer

Someone from my homeschool group asked me how I was doing, and if I had any news about my scan. I hadn't seen her for a while, which is why she didn't know. I started crying when I told her. I wish I could talk about my situation without crying. Maybe someday I'll get to that point. Anyway, I'm glad for awesome friends who are willing to talk and give hugs and let me cry on their shoulders.

This whole crazy deal isn't easy. I don't particularly like the hard times, but I'm still going to post about them. I don't think it would be fair to portray my situation as if it were all sunshine and roses, because it sure isn't. Sometimes it really sucks.

But hey. I'm doing what I can, trying to remember to take my vitamins, exercising, chillin' with my family. I have to run today, and it's freaking cold outside but I'm going anyway. We're getting ready for Awesome Christmas Trip to the Florida Keys, and I'm hoping to see some sea turtles and some little crabbies. Trying to keep busy to keep the extreme scanxiety away, you know. ;)

In case I don't wander back here until after the holidays, have a wonderful Christmas!!

It's late

and I should be sleeping. But I can't quit thinking. I popped into the colon club the other day to find out that a member I didn't know very well, but still recognized, had died suddenly. She was only 31, I believe. Of course I felt sad, it's just not fair, you know?

I think it freaked me out some too. More than some. I try so so hard not to worry about the so far unidentifiable spots on my lungs. I'm working on thinking positive, and I do, most of the time, but there's always that Holy Shit thought, that little tiny thought. It hangs around, it won't go away. I almost think this is worse than before, when we knew what was going on inside my body and had a plan that was more than Wait.

So I'm a little weepy about it tonight. And thinking too much. Part of me hates to even write about this because I don't want to freak other people out. Then again, I think it's okay to feel this way, to feel scared, to feel worried. I think it's okay to do some crying.

And tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to love on my kids and my husband and my friends and my family. I feel really lucky for every day I have because some people don't get as many days as I do.

Maybe getting this out will help me get to sleep. Mornings come awfully early around here. :)

I had an appointment to see the wound/ostomy care nurse today. My ostomy looks good, my ass wound looks good. It's all good.

We talked a little bit about the flap rotation surgery. I have to confess, I'm not wild about having another surgery. I don't know. I feel so good now and I'm exercising regularly (and even running!!! crazy!!). How much is another surgery going to set me back? I don't want to deal with healing AGAIN. It sucked so bad the last time. The nurse pointed out that there's nothing wrong with continuing the way I'm going, packing the wound. At this point, largely due to the iodoform gauze, poor Eric only has to pack my ass once a day. It's not interfering with my daily life at ALL.

I don't know. I'm thinking about waiting to meet with a surgeon until after my CT scan in January. So maybe in February? Maybe we'll know more about what's up in my lungs.

The nurse also asked if I wanted to think about an antidepressant because of course, I was crying in her office. I declined. I don't feel the same as I did when I decided to go the Prozac route in the past. If I talk about stupid cancer stuff I'll totally cry, but who the hell wouldn't? The past year or so has been traumatic. I still worry about things. Most of the time though, I feel really good. There are definitely negatives to my friend Prozac.

I think I'd like to get off this roller coaster, please.

Oh hey, I lost two pounds. That's good and awesome.

Continued positive thoughts are appreciated. And I'll try my hardest to think positively as well. Because I have a lot to be very glad about.

One of the things I've been thinking about and struggling with lately has been getting back to myself. Cancer not only takes over your body, it takes over your life. For many months it was cancer, cancer, treatment, cancer, surgery, cancer, scans. In some ways, it never goes away, at least it hasn't for me. Now that treatment is done, I'm living scan to scan. It was like some crazy full time job with double overtime that I wasn't allowed to quit.

And then I got fired.

So now what?

That's what I'm trying to figure out. It's as if I have to build myself back up after being torn down. And it kind of sucks in some ways. This body is different for one thing. No menstral cycle, hot flashes, a lingering spaciness (which I really REALLY don't like), not to mention the physical issues of my guts being different and getting used to an ostomy, sexual issues, tightness in my hips that I can't seem to get stretched out. I've gone through changes in a matter of months that most people get to ease into over a period of years. It's hard.

I'm trying to go with the flow. I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I'm doing what I can to not stress. I'm working on getting healthy, exercise, yoga, eating decently healthfully, taking vitamins, boosting my immune system.

But sometimes I get a little frustrated. Okay, a LOT frustrated. And angry. What the hell kind of karma is this? What am I supposed to be learning? Why did the lesson have to be so so harsh? I'm not really looking for answers to these questions. I think that sometimes people just have bad luck. Maybe it's supposed to make you stronger, maybe it's supposed to help you appreciate what you do have, maybe it's supposed to lead you to doing something greater. I don't know. I think sometimes you don't get to have all the answers. And I don't know that the answers come from people. I think they come from inside, from learning and growing.

Anyway, it's a journey, right? I'm doing the best I can with the knowledge and ability I have. It isn't always easy. In the now, I'll keep working on myself.