Last night Eric off-handedly mentioned that I have 2 round of FOLFOX and 3 rounds of FOLFURI, and I was like, "Really, that's all?" It's the same amount of chemo treatments I had to go when I freaked out on Tuesday and it seemed so overwhelming. When he said it last night, it seemed like something I could do. Five more, I can do that.

It took me about five days to feel good enough to start doing things again. Today was day 6, and I cleaned what I could in both bathrooms, loaded the dishwasher, did some other putzy stuff in the kitchen. It felt so so good to DO something. It was awful not being able to do anything those days when I was sick, but I just need to focus on the fact that it will pass. This too shall pass. I have so much to look forward to in the next six months, so much to look forward to after chemo is over. It's just this little blip in my life, it will pass.

Anyway, I feel better today, emotionally, physically, everything. There's still some leftover weepiness, but I think that's my emotions and how amazed I am that so many people want to help me.

I know one thing, man. I could not do this without Eric. There is no way. I can't imagine it. He kicks ass with the kids, with the house, with encouraging and caring for me.

So let's hope for a good dressing change tomorrow. Anyone going to wear blue with me again? I'm thinking I'll wear blue and my rockin' colorectal cancer awareness shirt every Friday this month. Feel free to join me!

It's okay to have a bad day.

This was the best thing Eric could have said to me yesterday. It's okay to have a bad day. So often I feel like I need to keep it together, that I don't like crying in front of the kids, that I want to put on a brave face. I'm harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I'm struggling with what life has handed me, and yesterday the dam broke.

It happens. Today will be a better day. I feel like I was able to get out some of the stuff I've been holding in, I think that's good. I have cancer, man, I think I'm entitled to a freak out every now and again.

Good things can come out of bad days. I was reminded that there are so many people thinking about me and rooting for me and who want to help. I'm not alone, my family isn't alone. That's so comforting.

And now it's time for a bean burrito, and hopefully it tastes right!

emotional

It's like the dam burst today, and everything just became so overwhelming. I seriously can't stop crying. I begged Eric to come home early, and I don't even have a reason. I'm not nauseaus anymore, I'm still feeling really tired, but I'm hanging in there. Then a friend stopped by with some food and I cried to her for fifteen minutes.

I hate feeling like that, like I can't do this anymore. There are people out there who are so much worse off than I am. I keep trying to think about the positives, that I'm going to make it through this. It's just not doing it for me today. Hell, even the kids were telling me it was going to be okay, which of course made me cry more.

Why should anyone have to go through this? I appreciated my life before, I swear. When other people would complain about their husband or their life, I would always think about how lucky I was to be happy. Now I'm dealing with a great big pile of shit and I hate it, and I hate that my family has to go through it too. My kids should be outside playing with a healthy mom not sitting inside watching tv. I'm trying to be gentle to myself and like my wise friend said today, take this time to heal, but it's so hard.

Fuck you, cancer, for taking my life and turning it upside down. Just because I'm pissed off at you, I'm going to make it through the last five chemo treatments and however many wound vac dressing changes just to show you that you can't keep me down. I'm going to get healthy again, no matter what.

I wish I could post that I'm feeling awesome, but I'm so not. Chemo makes me feel like I got run over by a truck, a nausea truck. Output from my stoma started though, I'm happy about that at least. I hate being stopped up, it's so uncomfortable. I just feel so yuck.

This is going to pass, but in the moment, I have a hard time believing that this is good for me at all. I know the ultimate goal, getting rid of any cancer that might be roaming around. Can it be good if it makes me feel so bad? I want to feel healthy. I want to go for a walk with my kids and play with them. I want to take care of my house and my husband. It's sick days like today that make me feel really down because all I really can do is sit and sleep and try to eat. It sucks.

Good thing tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I'll start feeling better after getting another night's sleep. And tomorrow is a dressing change, which believe it or not, I look forward to after the weekend. For one thing, I get to shower. I get out of the house. And this dressing is sort of uncomfortable and smelly, I'm ready for a new one.

Thank you!

So many people wore blue today, it's just so awesome! Thank you, friends and family, for helping spread awareness of colorectal cancer. I hope we helped at least one person today.

I've entered the No Appetite phase of chemo. It's so weird to go from eating everything in sight to nothing looking good to eat at all. Part of it maybe has to do with my guts being so slow. I found some ginger candy at the Free Market today, so I've been eating pieces of that when I get a bad taste in my mouth. It's much more pleasant than peppermint, which is what I tried last time. Oh and I know the cold sensitivity is affecting my appetite too, at least in terms of smoothies. Do you know how fun it is to drink a warm smoothie? Not very. It's actually kind of gross, so I might lay off the smoothies until the cold sensitivity is gone.

My dressing change went about the same. I had a different nurse who hasn't changed the dressing in a week or so, and she remarked on how much less white foam was used than what she remembered using. She said the tissue looks good all the way around the walls of the wound, so that's positive. I did learn that it's not uncommon for this wound to take a year or more to completely heal closed. I won't have the vac that long, I'll only have it until the wound is too small for the vac. But a year?? That sucks. I so want to leave all this behind, to get on with life without wounds and chemo and everything. I'm anxious to get my sewing machine out and start Reese's summer wardrobe. I hope to start my gardens up once the weather is warmer. I'd like to comfortably take walks with my kids. This whole thing really puts a damper on my life.

Despite everything, I'm keepin' on keepin' on. I have to. I'm thinking about school-y things I can do with Reese and Eli. I'm thinking about how I can get them outside without doing too much walking. I'm taking over more and more of the house care, at least doing what I can. I try to think of this as a short blip in my life, that it will be over and we'll all move on with our new normal. I think there are big changes ahead, and I'm excited for that.

Wear Blue Tomorrow! and Chemo Day Update

Do you have your blue ready?? Please take tomorrow to urge loved ones to get colonoscopies if they fit the risk categories, or just encourage friends and family to pay attention to their bodies. Get thee to a doctor if something in your butt doesn't seem right.

So today was my second time with FOLFOX. After looking at my blood numbers, it was also decided that I would get the IV iron again. Things haven't changed all that much, everything is holding steady. My protein, for those of you obsessed, is within normal ranges. ;) I did lose a little more weight, but what I am able to eat is good food, so the nurse was unconcerned.

I got better anti-nausea meds, we're trying zofran as needed, and the oncologist also ordered emend, which is an IV drug and two pills. He seemed surprised that I dealt with nausea with the FOLFURI and wanted to nip it all in the bud. Apparently emend is supposed to do that.

The actual infusion was long but uneventful. It is a little weird seeing how many bags of drugs are going to be pumped into my body. I always think on the way over that it's so crazy to be basically loading up my body with poison. After the benedryl (in case I have a reaction to the iron), I fell asleep for a while. I ate a delicious vegan cheeze sandwich and drank tea. At around 4pm I got rehooked up to the little pump and Eric and I were on our way.

The somewhat amusing side effects started immediately. When I breathed outside, the air in my mouth turned into prickles. After I got home, I was getting ready to fry some tofu. I held the brick with one hand and cut slices with the other until my holding hand got all pins and needles from holding cold tofu. Even drinking room temperature water makes my throat prickly. Tonight I was grabbing a handful of frozen spinich for my smoothiee tomorrow and the prickles surprised me. Yes, my smoothie ingredients will sit out all night so they're warm by tomorrow so I can actually drink my smoothie. Lame, huh? I'll be eating and drinking mostly warm things for the next few days, hopefully the cold sensitivity will be gone shortly.

All in all, it wasn't a bad day. I'd rather not spend my Thursday at the chemo center, but it seems I'm tolerating it well. Today was #3, I have 5 left. It's nice to be able to count down something.

Don't forget!! Wear Blue Day is Friday!!! My blue pants and special colorectal cancer ribbon shirt are all ready.

So I haven't written much in the last few days. I think it's a combination of just being tired of complaining about the same old thing and feeling somewhat less sad about my situation. Thank you, happy pills, it's apparent that you've kicked in. I don't feel like crying all the time, and I'm yelling at my kids a lot less. I feel more even keel than I did a few weeks ago. It's nice to not feel so high strung and anxious, although I do have some anxiety sometimes, like before dressing changes and before chemo. That's probably normal, and I'm okay with it.

Anyway, I did have a pretty okay dressing change on Monday. That was weird to me because I had a completely awful dressing change on Friday, and it was the same nurse. I have no idea why this is. My plan is to go in anticipating that the change will be terrible so I'm not surprised if it is, and I'm pleasantly surprised if it goes well. Reasonable? I think so.

So yeah. That's what is going on with me.