Sunday, August 29, 2010

Makin' Butt Kombucha

Attention! Attention! The missing gauze has been found and recovered from my ass!

That's right, it was in there, I freaking KNEW it was still in there. It just goes to show that I know my own ass better than anyone else. Now I hope my poor ass wound will stop bleeding and stinking and dribbling nasty discharge.

This is all pretty gross, huh? Well, wounds are gross.

But the gauze was found! Whoohoooooo!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

And the wound doctor found...

absolutely nothing.

I have no freaking idea where that missing piece of gauze went, but the doctor that took a look couldn't find anything. The suspicion is that all the messing we did with the wound last night trying to find the missing gauze ourselves irritated it and caused the resulting juiciness (sorry for being gross).

While nice, the wound people here weren't all that helpful in my not so humble opinion. The doctor was all, "We don't even know if this wound will heal" which of course made me really super sad. :( However, my surgeon and all the wound care nurses in WI were sure that it would heal, eventually. I kind of think the doc I saw today was planting a seed so we'll want to try the hyperbolic chamber (or whatever the hell it's called, the oxygen tank). Blah.

It seems that they don't deal with my kind of wound very often and they suggested I go to my primary doctor and have him follow my treatment. I can't figure out why it would be better to have a doctor who doesn't look at wounds all day long deal with my wound. I suppose I have the option to check out other wound care facilities in the area, most of the hospitals here have them.

I'm just so weary of dealing with all this. I get tired of telling the story EVERY single time I see a doctor. Ugh.

I guess it's good that the doc didn't see anything up in my ass. The nurse encouraged us to keep a wound diary, writing down how many pieces of gauze we put in and at what time, and then making note of how many we take out. I'm sure this would be great if we were using MORE THAN ONE PIECE OF GAUZE. Sorry wound nurse, I'm not keeping a wound diary. I have enough to do, thanks.

I'm feeling cranky about all this, can you tell? Sigh. I'll feel better about it tomorrow, or the next day. I keep threatening to take some pain pills even though I don't *need* them. That's pretty bad, huh? And I won't. I liked the vicodin waaaaaay too much to start taking it recreationally. That's just not smart, and it's not who I want to be, it's not what I want my kids to see.

Don't worry about me, okay? I think we all have bad days when we just want to forget everything, even if we don't have cancer. This is just one of those crappy days.

There's plenty of good going on too, which if you're reading my other blog you know. My little girl is starting to read, really read. My son is counting like crazy, starting to learn his letters. It's all very exciting. I'm loving Georgia. I'm loving my husband and feel so lucky to be with him. We have a couple trips planned.

Just a bad day. I'm thinking positive that tomorrow will be better. Hugs.

Wound Care Update!!

So I called a wound care clinic and talked to a receptionist. She was very nice, and when I explained that I'd like an appointment within the next day or two because I suspect there's gauze stuck up in my butt, she was all, "Oh bless your heart!" Awwww. People in the south are so nice.

Anyhoo. I'm waiting for a call and hopefully I'll get in today because, and this is pretty gross, the wound is more juicy than normal. So I think the mystery gauze is in there somewhere. Sad face. :(
Well, I guess it's about time to find a wound care nurse. Aside from the fact that I haven't had my wound looked at by a professional since June, yesterday we had the Case of the Missing Gauze. That's right, a whole piece of gauze is unaccounted for and I have no idea what might have happened. Eric couldn't find it last night, I didn't take it out, and I don't think it could have fallen out. Could it? I don't know.

I was really upset about the whole thing last night, not so much that gauze is apparently lost in my ass wound, but just about everything. Sometimes I get really mad and frustrated that I'm dealing with any of this. That I have this blog. That my ass wound won't heal. That I have to have a colonoscopy years before normal people. That I'll have a CT Scan in October. It's just not fair, and last night I had a pity party complete with angry tears.

Today? Eh. After all the shit I've gone through in the past year, not much surprises me anymore. And it is past time to find a wound care nurse. So today I'll call around and try to get an appointment for today or tomorrow. Eric is positive he can't see any gauze in there, but I'm paranoid that left-in guaze will cause a raging infection and goodness knows I don't need that.

I'll keep you posted. I know you're now on the edge of your seat to find out what happens in the Case of the Missing Gauze. Heh.

Friday, August 20, 2010

How to Make a Beautiful Life

Love yourself.
Make peace with who you are and where you are in this moment in time.
Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world,
Make Time for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.
Take chances.
Make mistakes.
Life can be messy and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path might be a stepping stone.
Be happy.
When you don't have what you want, want what you have.
Make do.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.
There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to make your own way.
To know where you're going if only a part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry.
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.
Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace that's inside you.
Make a beautiful life...
the kind of life you deserve.

These words aren't mine...they came from a birthday card I received from my second set of parents, my mother and father-in-law. I appreciated reading them in July, and I appreciated re-reading them so much today that I wanted to share. I hope my dear friends and family are making beautiful lives for themselves. I know I'm going to do my best to do it for myself every day.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Well hey, Ostomates!

And everyone else too. ;) Check this video out, it's all about living with an ostomy.


Monday, August 16, 2010

And the appointment is over!

Actually it was over this morning, but we've had a crazy busy day. Right after the appointment we had to rush to get Eric to work, then rush to a homeschool potluck. Then right after we got home, the kids did school-y things and I prepped for dinner (pizza!!!). The house didn't get cleaned up, but I suppose the mess isn't going anywhere. Am I right?

We arrived at the clinic early, since it was my first appointment. Right away at the door we were met with a big ol' sign that said "No Kids Under 16." I could go off on a rant about how stupid I think this is, but I won't. Needless to say I was disappointed because the kids have been to so many of my appointments, and thus far it's been no trouble. I ended up going to the appointment alone (sad face) while Eric and the kids took a field trip to the Burger King Play Area. I don't know what we'll do next time, maybe we'll just storm right past Cranky Man at the Desk and let him find an administrator to chase us. Heh.

The cancer center here is a busy place. I didn't like being there. I think I will forever have an aversion to clinics. After my paperwork was done, I was called back by a very nice nurse. She seemed happy that I'm not taking eighty billion medications, have not had any heart attacks or strokes, and have both my kidneys. I'm guessing I'm not their typical patient. She instructed me to put on a hospital gown, and then I waited. And listened to a woman complain about a rash in the next exam room. And complained on twitter and facebook about the waiting.

So my new oncologist, who will be referred to as The New Oncologist from now on, was pretty nice. He hadn't read my file, and kept saying how young I was and asking if I had cancer in my family. We chatted about how I was diagnosed and my treatment, I blanked out on the Fry Doctor's name, and he paged through my file. He examined me, commenting that I had a very nice ostomy pouch. The nurse agreed, saying it was nicer than the see through ones. Haha. And then we made plans for the next steps.

I know this is what everyone has been waiting for! In a month, I'll meet with a "stomach doctor." That's what The New Oncologist referred to him as, the "stomach doctor." There's probably a fancy name that I'm sure Stomach Doctor would prefer we use, but oh well. Sometime after that consultation, I'll have a colonoscopy (oh joy). In two months, I'm scheduled for a CT Scan, and a week after that I'll be back in The New Oncologist's office to talk about the results. Positive thoughts that we have absolutely nothing to talk about!

It wasn't a good feeling to be back at a cancer center. I was sad that Eric and the kids weren't with me. I was sad that I am dealing with this at all. I'm glad that I can forget about it all again for another month.

Thank you for all the kind words and positive thoughts this morning (and always). It means a lot to me, although I have to remember NOT to check facebook too much when I'm at the appointment, because I couldn't find any kleenexes (what??) in the exam room. Big hugs, everyone!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

So. I'm trying not to think about my appointment tomorrow morning. At least it's early so I won't obsess all day long.

I really don't want to go. I just want everything to be done. I don't want to see any more doctors, have any more scans, talk about cancer anymore. Because if I don't talk about it, it's just gone, no chance at all that a scan will turn up something somewhere else. Right? We close the book and it's just done.

I rationally realize that it doesn't work that way. I'm mostly okay with scans and doctor visits. I get that it's something I'll need to do for a while.

No worries, I won't skip out on anything. I don't think Eric would let me and I honestly wouldn't let myself. I have kids, yo.

I'll update after the appointment. Well, at some time during the day. We have some homeschooling stuff to do.

Monday, August 9, 2010


Sorry about the lack of posting here. I think, as I shared with a friend today, that I needed a little space from the whole cancer thing. I didn't want to think about it for a little while. Did I mention here that I'm off all my pills, Prozac included? It's just better if I don't think too much about everything that happened because I tend to get overwhelmed by it all. Yes, still. But in weighing continuing the antidepressants vs. dealing with shit, I decided to deal with shit. Don't get me wrong, the happy pills have their place and are quite useful. I just don't want to use them anymore.

So. Next Monday I have an appt with my new oncologist. After that we should know more about scans and such, when and how often. In the meantime, I have a thick stack of paperwork to fill out. A lot of the questions look familiar...isn't all this stuff in my records SOMEWHERE? Whine whine. I get annoyed by having to answer the same lame-o questions more than once, and some of these I swear I've seen ten times in the past year. Doctors and their paperwork, sigh.

A little tidbit for the ladies who are dealing with radiation (if you don't want to read about vaginas, skip this section!!!!)...keep up with those dilators. Or the sexin'. Whatever method you're using to keep your vaginal canal from closing in from the radiating. Because I now can tell you that a pap/pelvic exam will hurt like a banshee if you don't. And except for the few months after surgery, I have been dilating diligently. I can't imagine doing a pap/pelvic if I hadn't been using the dilators. If you're new to the party, get yourself to and get some info about side effects of pelvic radiation, or go back through my blog and read what I wrote. Or you can just leave me a comment with some contact info and I'll help you the best that I can. Let's share the info!!

Okay, vagina talk done.

That's about it, I guess. Mostly I'm just living life, chasing after my kids, lovin' on my husband, trying to lose the weight I gained back after chemo ended...the usual. It's nice to be back to business as usual (for the most part...still dealing with the ass wound). I'm feeling content with being able to take care of my family again. If someone saw me right now or met me for the first time, they wouldn't even know that I had cancer. After all I went through, that's amazing to me.

Just in case you'd like to see what "business as usual" means for me, here's a link to my new blog: Feel free to come hang out with me there and get to know my kick ass husband and wonderful children.