Surgery Day!

Ironically, I'm not nearly as freaked out as I was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that...

Don't get me wrong, I'm still nervous and scared. Last night I woke up at about 3:30am and thought, "In about 12 hours, surgery will be over" and I felt so calm. It's going to happen, I can't stop it, I don't want to stop it (because the alternative to surgery isn't pleasant).

I'm still pooping water, and my guts are protesting, rumbling around. And I'm hungry. Wah, wah, wah, whine, whine, whine. Colon preps, it seems, are not ever very much fun. I drank a few swallows of water at about 3:30am, and I'll try not to drink anymore. In my tradition of post-colon procedures, I'm thinking of asking Eric to bring me a Taco Bell bean burrito (no cheese, please!). I won't be able to eat it, but I could sniff it. Who knows? Perhaps sniffing a Taco Bell bean burrito is a previously unknown way to get your bowels moving instantly, resulting in a super short hospital stay!

This morning will be about shaving my damn legs (haha), getting my shit together, and trying not to worry too much. I have my list of stuff to take to the hospital, and I think I'm going to have to unpack and repack, crossing items off. That will be helpful in finding things Eric has been tossing into the bag. The other day he put a hippy dippy happy cancer stories book in there. And yesterday I found a Sexuality and Cancer pamphlet. Isn't he just a riot??

I'm pondering writing "Pictures Please" on my belly. A friend suggested it after I explained to her how I wanted a picture of the tumor and my parts. My surgeon said he would try to get a picture, but that he might get busy (you know, OPERATING) and forget. Obviously my priority is a successful operation, but pictures. That would rock. It would be like the wisdom tooth that I kept in my desk drawer and showed my students every so often when I used to teach 5th and 6th grade. I'd carry a picture of the tumor around and show it off like a third child. Mostly though, I'd like to see what I no longer have. Those guts are mine, after all. I'm a little miffed that they can't be shown to me personally, but I suppose rules are rules regarding biohazard material.

I'd make a goal not to cry at all today, but honestly, that's probably not a reasonable goal. But you know, I'm hardcore. I've had countless ruptured ovarian cysts, birthed two children with no pain medications (and one of those was a pit birth!!!), survived a car accident...I know I can do this.

All right then. I'm not sure there will be time for another update before we leave for the hospital. The positive thoughts and prayers and kind messages are all so very much appreciated. My friends and family have been just so kick ass through this whole shitty cancer thing. I'm looking forward to the time when I can pay that forward.

Well, colon prep done. I'm hungry, man. Starvin' marvin'. Way more so than with my last prep, but maybe that's because I ate a huge lunch that day. Apparently I missed the direction that said "liquid diet" the morning of the prep before my colonoscopy. Whoops. Since this is a little tiny bit (!!) more serious than a colonoscopy, I ate much less. As in, I had about a cup of smoothie for breakfast and maybe 1/2 cup of hummus and four crackers at about 10:30. Then I drank tea and water and Miralax/propel.

I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to sleep tonight. My bag is half assed packed. I still need to shave my legs. And figure out what to wear to the hospital. And hug my kids a bunch of times.

I've gotten many really sweet emails and messages on Facebook. If I didn't thank you, it's because I'm trying not to cry a bunch tonight. I'm so sick of crying, so I'm trying not to. Your words and thoughts mean a lot.

Stay tuned for my starvation ramblings in the morning. I'm sure they will be both entertaining and enlightening.

Just in case...

I've had several emails asking about updates while I'm in the hospital and visiting and such. Eric will update the i'msorryforcursing site on Caring Bridge when he gets a chance. Basically, we'll be at the hospital around 11am, the surgery will take place in the early afternoon, and then I'll be recovering. We're asking that no one visit on Wednesday, and only immediate family on Thursday. I'll just be drugged up and I probably won't be nearly as funny and charming as I am normally, so you won't be missing anything. After that, if you'd like to hang out in a boring hospital room, forced to watch episode after episode of House or ATHF...well, come at your own risk. ;) I have no idea how I'll be feeling though.

The hospital has wifi, so I anticipate getting back online myself when I'm feeling up to it.

I just wanted to let people know what's going on. :)

And now back to your regularly scheduled colon prep!

Holy shit...it's prep day!

Hahahahahaa...my message board friends and facebook friends have been hearing about it allllll morning so far, and I haven't even downed the tasty colon prep. It's just miralax and propel this time, so not too exciting.

I am so fucking keyed up, it's almost ridiculous. And I don't think I can blame it all on the coffee. Last night I did a little self medicating of the vodka variety, and although vodka is a clear liquid, I don't think I better do that tonight. Getting dehydrated the night before surgery probably isn't a great idea.

I have some stuff to do this morning to keep my mind occupied. Bread needs baking, hummus needs to be made. My desk is a disaster. I want to take a bath and shave my legs. I need to pack.

Gah. If there was ever a time I wanted a magic fast forwarding machine, today and tomorrow would be it.

I have tears running down my cheeks after yet another wonderfully kind email message from a friend. Everyone says such nice things, I just...I don't know that I *am* all those adjectives people have been throwing around. I sure as hell don't feel brave or strong or amazing. I'm sitting around fantasizing about sneaking away at the last second and hiding in a hospital closet for cripe's sakes. I'm not going through all this shit because I want to, because I didn't have anything better to do. I *have* to. I would never choose this. Never never never. So I don't feel like I'm any stronger than anyone else. I'm just keepin' on keepin' on, you know?

But seriously, do you think my hiding in the closet scheme will work? Yeah, I didn't think so either. Shit.

The moving sidewalk I'm being forced to march on certainly isn't getting any slower, and here we are at two days. Two. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if this had been Emergency Surgery. Oh no! Right now this second, you have to have Emergency Surgery! No, you can't think about it for weeks and weeks, stressing about it every ten minutes! Right now! See how that might be better? I think if I wanted to torture someone, I'd hang something like this over their head for a few weeks.

I don't know. I'm going to be okay. I'm freaking out, but I'll be okay. Eric is the awesome strong one, just so you all know. He's the one weathering my freak outs and keeping calm and reminding me that I can do this.

So in two days...Surgery (play the dark music here). But for today, I get to take my children and my mom to one of my favorite group gatherings. I get to make and eat vegetable pot pie. And perhaps I'll get a little tipsy tonight. In other words, I'm going to have a good day, so I hope you do too!

A friend emailed me today. In her email she said, "Aren't you glad you found this cancer? Be grateful for the year of 2009, for finding it sooner rather than later."

I've been going around thinking that 2009 was a pretty shitty year, but you know, my friend is right. The timing on cancer is obviously never good, ideally you don't want it at all. But if the tumor has been hanging around my rectum for 3-5 years, the timing on us finding out is actually good. If it was found 3 or 3.5 years earlier? No Eli. If I hadn't found out when I did? It would still be growing, maybe even spreading around. It's an interesting way of looking at it, that's for sure.

Who wants more song lyrics? I had my Turtlepod on shuffle in my P!nk CD collection and got to listen to 18 Wheeler.

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler
but you can't keep me down down down down

Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down, down, down
Can't keep me down

Hey, hey girl! Are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword?
Cause it's time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though you're not for sure
Don't let him pull you by the scar
You're gonna get your feelings hurt


Good song, right? You're welcome.

4 days. I'm still nervous and freaked out, but you know you can't keep me down.

Things I have tossed into my hospital bag...

So far.

gum (I hear this helps your guts start moving? what the hell, right? I like gum)
Hello Kitty slippers
a blanket from home
my three favorite books: Jurassic Park, Silence of the Lambs, Circle of Friends


Huh. That's it so far! I've been more focused on getting the house in order than packing. Today I had all our homeschooling cupboards emptied out, and reorganized all that stuff. I cleaned Reese and Eli's room really well. Eric and the kids helped me get the basement picked up. Hopefully we'll get the main level picked up, vacuumed, and mopped before my mom arrives on Sunday. When things are clean and organized, I feel better and more peaceful. I want the house spic and span shining clean before I go to the hospital on Wednesday.

On Wednesay. No dates anymore, it's too close. But if anyone is counting, I have five more days. My strategy to not freak out is to just keep busy. Tomorrow I'll be spending a few hours at a spa getting a massage and a body polish, thanks to Eric's coworkers. Maybe I'll sneak out Sunday morning to go to the bookstore and drink some tea. At some point someone should go to Walgreens and get the colon prep supplies.

Eric was looking at the tv listings, and we decided I need to be home by Monday evening, January 11th, because that's when our primetime shows restart for the season (House!!!! New House!!!!). I think that's a good goal, but I'll be okay if it doesn't happen. We do have DVR, we're not a pack of animals.

I'm thinking a lot of things, feeling a lot of things, trying not to freak out too much. Trying not to cry too much. I've cried so much since the beginning of September, it gets old.

Hey, Sheryl Crow sings a song about that! Want some lyrics? Here you go:

Wouldn't it be good if
we could hope a flight to anywhere
say so long to this life
so much for pretendin
bad luck's neverending
and now I know that

It could be worse
I coulda missed my calling
Sometimes it hurts
But when you read the writing on the wall
Can't cry anymore

And now I better feed my children. :) Happy New Year!! Let's hope 2010 is way better than 2009.