Liz, rubarbaritas would be awesome. I'm going to give my body a couple weeks to get rid of the chemo before I start boozing it up. Gotta protect my liver, yo.
Julie, the flowers look gorgeous on my mantel (and away from my flower arranger Reese, haha). I am humbled by your support of us, your strength. Your family is in my thoughts all the time, and I'm so lucky to know you.
Maggie, thank you for being my fashion consultant at Old Navy! I'm a pretty clueless shopper, so who knows how I would have fared on my own. And sometimes I just need someone to tell me it's okay to buy some stuff for myself (and special thanks to Eric for funding my new wardrobe!!). It was a great fun evening. Not to mention all the food organizing and letting us hang out at your house and you watching my babies. I'm so fortunate you're in my life.
Mom and Dad, you've been an incredible support even if you don't think so, being that you're so far away. Visits, messages, and we cannot forget Mom being her with us for the month after my surgery. And the Annie's meals!!!! Om nom nom nom. It means so much to us.
Nana and Poppy (my other mom and dad!!!) your help has been amazing and greatly appreciated. Whether it was Poppy helping with the kids when I was sick or Nana driving me to wound dressing chnages or the frozen meals for Eric and the kids. All those little things might not seem like much, but wow. It made a huge difference in our lives.
Terri and Mike, thanks for all the wound vac taxi services and for helping with Reese and Eli when I wasn't able to take care of them. It was a relief that I had someone who loves them to play with them and be with them. Your help meant so much to me.
There are so so many more people to thank. I just get teary eyed, and the kids are hanging around. I don't like them to see me cry too much. They get stressed out and worried. So I shall be back. :)
I'm feeling okay today, much better than yesterday right after chemo. Mostly I just feel tired, but my headache is gone and my legs don't ache like they did. We're headed to hang out with Maggie today. I love just sitting on her couch watching the kids play.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I quit you, chemo!
But only because I'm done! Today was my last Chemo Thursday, and I am so relieved to be done. I can't even describe it.
Well, maybe I can. It's like someone opened a door and said, "Hey, you don't need to be stuck in this ugly room anymore. Come on out!"
I'm not quite done yet, I suppose. I have the little chemo pump until Saturday morning. Then I have the sickies to look forward to for a few days. And after that? My body can concentrate on getting rid of the chemo and then healing that ass wound.
My mind is very jumbled right now, I'm pretty emotional. Perhaps we can all chat more later. Until then, everyone who has been pulling for me and thinking positive thoughts for me, THANK YOU. I could not have done this by myself. And anyone who is going through this too, big hugs. It's not easy by any means, but you can do it. Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl (or guy) panties and get it done. And I did it.
Well, maybe I can. It's like someone opened a door and said, "Hey, you don't need to be stuck in this ugly room anymore. Come on out!"
I'm not quite done yet, I suppose. I have the little chemo pump until Saturday morning. Then I have the sickies to look forward to for a few days. And after that? My body can concentrate on getting rid of the chemo and then healing that ass wound.
My mind is very jumbled right now, I'm pretty emotional. Perhaps we can all chat more later. Until then, everyone who has been pulling for me and thinking positive thoughts for me, THANK YOU. I could not have done this by myself. And anyone who is going through this too, big hugs. It's not easy by any means, but you can do it. Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl (or guy) panties and get it done. And I did it.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Creepy
I'll tell you what's creepy. Pulling the gauze out of your ass wound, that's what. I took my first wound vac free shower this evening, and opted to remove the gauze myself. Gah. I have a new appreciation for anyone who has to do anything related to my ass.
Oh all right, it wasn't that bad. But man. Sometimes my body doesn't feel like MY body, know what I mean? Between the ass wound and the chemo, it's just all around strange. It's frustrating to have to rely on others to pack my wound, but at this point there's no way I could do it myself. Maybe when a long q-tip doesn't have to be used to shove the gauze in...oh I'm sorry, was that a TMI? Hah. Gotcha.
If this wound could heal up super fast, that would be great. I don't like the leaking, I get self concious about the pad shifting. The wound doesn't hurt all the time, but I'm finding that at the end of the day, it's kind of ouchy. It's actually more difficult to sit in hard chairs. I have no idea why. Maybe the overall pain of the wound vac used to distract me from the ass wound pain? I don't know.
It's going to be okay. But 4-6 more months of this nonsense sucks. I hope this is the last bump in the road, because I don't know if I can deal with any more.
Oh all right, it wasn't that bad. But man. Sometimes my body doesn't feel like MY body, know what I mean? Between the ass wound and the chemo, it's just all around strange. It's frustrating to have to rely on others to pack my wound, but at this point there's no way I could do it myself. Maybe when a long q-tip doesn't have to be used to shove the gauze in...oh I'm sorry, was that a TMI? Hah. Gotcha.
If this wound could heal up super fast, that would be great. I don't like the leaking, I get self concious about the pad shifting. The wound doesn't hurt all the time, but I'm finding that at the end of the day, it's kind of ouchy. It's actually more difficult to sit in hard chairs. I have no idea why. Maybe the overall pain of the wound vac used to distract me from the ass wound pain? I don't know.
It's going to be okay. But 4-6 more months of this nonsense sucks. I hope this is the last bump in the road, because I don't know if I can deal with any more.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Livin' the Wound Vac Free Life
That's right, suckas, I ditched that wound vac like whoa today. It feels sooooooooooo good. Do you know how much easier it is to do stuff without dragging a wound vac around? Way easier. My butt isn't pokey. I can get up and down and it's not a big deal.
I still have a wound in my ass that needs to be packed with gauze twice a day. Since there's still drainage, I have to wear a pad. I don't feel too terrible about this because I love my cloth pads. But I can shower every day, I can take a bath if I want. I don't smell like wound. Life got significantly better today.
The surgeon was awesome as usual. He answered all our questions and supports our decision to stop the wound vac. He thinks it might take 4-6 more months for the wound to heal, but he's confident that it will. The wound nurses were also awesome as usual. They suggested I should go see them in ten days so they can check the wound out to make sure things are going well. I hadn't thought to ask about that, but it's good for my peace of mind. When we were saying goodbye to the nurses, I cried. I'm going to miss seeing them and talking to them. They have been so supportive and kind to me, and to my kids. They really made this whole experience easier.
More good news...the surgeon is going to remove my alien port on June 4th. Whoohooo! I wasn't sure he would want to do it because goodness knows he's a busy guy. He said he could do it in his office and he would give me a valium and a percoset, then numb the area. Otherwise he can have me sedated. Guess which one I picked, haha? Having someone cut into me while I'm awake? I don't think so. That is way too creepy for me. So sedation it is. I do feel a little silly for insisting on being sedated for a procedure that will most likely not take more than a handful of minutes. At this point in the game, I'm just so tired of everything I want it to be easy and painless.
This is really going to be done. Really.
I still have a wound in my ass that needs to be packed with gauze twice a day. Since there's still drainage, I have to wear a pad. I don't feel too terrible about this because I love my cloth pads. But I can shower every day, I can take a bath if I want. I don't smell like wound. Life got significantly better today.
The surgeon was awesome as usual. He answered all our questions and supports our decision to stop the wound vac. He thinks it might take 4-6 more months for the wound to heal, but he's confident that it will. The wound nurses were also awesome as usual. They suggested I should go see them in ten days so they can check the wound out to make sure things are going well. I hadn't thought to ask about that, but it's good for my peace of mind. When we were saying goodbye to the nurses, I cried. I'm going to miss seeing them and talking to them. They have been so supportive and kind to me, and to my kids. They really made this whole experience easier.
More good news...the surgeon is going to remove my alien port on June 4th. Whoohooo! I wasn't sure he would want to do it because goodness knows he's a busy guy. He said he could do it in his office and he would give me a valium and a percoset, then numb the area. Otherwise he can have me sedated. Guess which one I picked, haha? Having someone cut into me while I'm awake? I don't think so. That is way too creepy for me. So sedation it is. I do feel a little silly for insisting on being sedated for a procedure that will most likely not take more than a handful of minutes. At this point in the game, I'm just so tired of everything I want it to be easy and painless.
This is really going to be done. Really.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day!
I hope all the mothers out there had a great day today. Mine has been pretty good so far. It's not a chemo weekend, so I actually felt like eating food. I made some yummy vegan food for the cook out we attended, and now there are rumors of Chinese food for dinner. Om nom nom nom.
It's also (hopefully) the last day I'll be wearing the wound vac. Of course it stinks more today than it ever has, blech. It's like the wound is taunting me with stink. I think not smelling like ass would be a very good thing. I'm still nervous about it, but it will be okay. And how nice would it be to pack and clean things and cook without dragging a wound vac around?
I'm trying to decide if I should have the chemo nurses run the Irinotecan and Leucovorin together or separately. I've had it both ways, and they both suck for different reasons. Running them together makes the day go faster, shaving off about an hour or more of time in the chemo lounge. The last time I did it though really kicked my ass. My legs were sore, I felt awful, I was exhausted. So do I spend a bunch of time at the chemo lounge? Or do I suck it up and get out of there fast? Most likely I'll do the latter. I still hate sitting around in the chemo lounge. Chemo makes me feel creepy crawly and like running away.
Is it just me, or do chemo drug names sound like dinosaur names?
I find myself wondering what will change once this is all over. Anything? Nothing? Have the changes happened already and if so, will they stick? In many ways I feel that I haven't changed at all. I still mock things and make wise cracky observations. I'm a goofy trashy music loving vegan sewing gardening fun time having mama just wanting life to be simple and easy. However, I now appreciate the ability to do laundry, to play with my kids, to drive my car. I feel fortunate that I'm able to take my kids to the park or read them a book. When I can load the dishwasher and make dinner, that's a damn good day. Not being able to do things like that makes me thankful for the future, when I can all the time, not just on off chemo weeks.
Someone please remind me of how thankful I am to be doing mundane household chores in a few months when I start bitching about it.
I think I feel more compassion for people who are dealing with cancer. My ears perk up when someone mentions cancer. I wonder what kind, how the person is doing, how the treatment is going. I feel really sad when I hear that someone died of cancer. Every day I hope this blog and me telling my story helps others.
I just want to be able to mother my children and take care of my husband and our home. That's what I'm really looking forward to in the coming weeks, months, years.
Anyway, I hope the day brought sunshine and good times for all the moms out there. Big hugs to both my moms, you are a help and inspiration to me all the time and I'm so glad you're both in my life.
It's also (hopefully) the last day I'll be wearing the wound vac. Of course it stinks more today than it ever has, blech. It's like the wound is taunting me with stink. I think not smelling like ass would be a very good thing. I'm still nervous about it, but it will be okay. And how nice would it be to pack and clean things and cook without dragging a wound vac around?
I'm trying to decide if I should have the chemo nurses run the Irinotecan and Leucovorin together or separately. I've had it both ways, and they both suck for different reasons. Running them together makes the day go faster, shaving off about an hour or more of time in the chemo lounge. The last time I did it though really kicked my ass. My legs were sore, I felt awful, I was exhausted. So do I spend a bunch of time at the chemo lounge? Or do I suck it up and get out of there fast? Most likely I'll do the latter. I still hate sitting around in the chemo lounge. Chemo makes me feel creepy crawly and like running away.
Is it just me, or do chemo drug names sound like dinosaur names?
I find myself wondering what will change once this is all over. Anything? Nothing? Have the changes happened already and if so, will they stick? In many ways I feel that I haven't changed at all. I still mock things and make wise cracky observations. I'm a goofy trashy music loving vegan sewing gardening fun time having mama just wanting life to be simple and easy. However, I now appreciate the ability to do laundry, to play with my kids, to drive my car. I feel fortunate that I'm able to take my kids to the park or read them a book. When I can load the dishwasher and make dinner, that's a damn good day. Not being able to do things like that makes me thankful for the future, when I can all the time, not just on off chemo weeks.
Someone please remind me of how thankful I am to be doing mundane household chores in a few months when I start bitching about it.
I think I feel more compassion for people who are dealing with cancer. My ears perk up when someone mentions cancer. I wonder what kind, how the person is doing, how the treatment is going. I feel really sad when I hear that someone died of cancer. Every day I hope this blog and me telling my story helps others.
I just want to be able to mother my children and take care of my husband and our home. That's what I'm really looking forward to in the coming weeks, months, years.
Anyway, I hope the day brought sunshine and good times for all the moms out there. Big hugs to both my moms, you are a help and inspiration to me all the time and I'm so glad you're both in my life.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Changes!
I'm not good with change. Once we get in a groove, I'm reluctant to get out of it. This directly conflicts with me wanting to get rid of the wound vac, because that would be a HUGE change for me right now.
I just realized that Friday might be my last dressing change. On Monday we see the surgeon and it's likely that I'll at least take a two week break, if not just ditching it altogether. Is it weird that I'm a little freaked out by this? I don't like the wound vac, I don't like the time it sucks up three times a week to get it changed. I don't like not being able to shower every day. I don't like dragging the vac around. There are tons of things I dislike.
So what am I worried about? I'm worried about packing the wound twice a day. I'm worried about dealing with drainage (gross). I'm worried about changing up the routine. I'm worried about how the wound is going to continue healing, how to care for it. It's irrational. But there it is. It's one step closer to the normal, real world. And I feel like I haven't really been a part of the normal, real world in a long time. That's kind of scary.
I think I'm worried about expectations. Since I won't be doing chemo anymore and I won't have a wound vac anymore, what is going to be expected of me? I tend to expect a lot from myself, maybe sometimes too much. I think I'll have to be careful to know my limits and communicate those limits to friends and family. Being gentle with myself is important, and I need to give myself permission to do that.
I don't know if I'm ready to jump into Life Without Cancer. This has been such a long, hard road and I'm tired. It's like one day I'm doing treatment and then suddenly treatment will be done. I remember feeling weird about being done with radiation too. After going every day for so long, it was strange for it to be just over.
And what's going to happen to this blog? Do I keep it going but change the focus to just my everyday life? Do I start a new blog and just leave this one to the internets? This will take some thought. There will still be cancer related stuff in my life, what with scans and colonoscopies. I've been thinking about starting a vegan food blog or a Life in Columbus blog.
I feel better writing about my worries. Deep down, I think I know everything will be okay. One day at a time, right?
I just realized that Friday might be my last dressing change. On Monday we see the surgeon and it's likely that I'll at least take a two week break, if not just ditching it altogether. Is it weird that I'm a little freaked out by this? I don't like the wound vac, I don't like the time it sucks up three times a week to get it changed. I don't like not being able to shower every day. I don't like dragging the vac around. There are tons of things I dislike.
So what am I worried about? I'm worried about packing the wound twice a day. I'm worried about dealing with drainage (gross). I'm worried about changing up the routine. I'm worried about how the wound is going to continue healing, how to care for it. It's irrational. But there it is. It's one step closer to the normal, real world. And I feel like I haven't really been a part of the normal, real world in a long time. That's kind of scary.
I think I'm worried about expectations. Since I won't be doing chemo anymore and I won't have a wound vac anymore, what is going to be expected of me? I tend to expect a lot from myself, maybe sometimes too much. I think I'll have to be careful to know my limits and communicate those limits to friends and family. Being gentle with myself is important, and I need to give myself permission to do that.
I don't know if I'm ready to jump into Life Without Cancer. This has been such a long, hard road and I'm tired. It's like one day I'm doing treatment and then suddenly treatment will be done. I remember feeling weird about being done with radiation too. After going every day for so long, it was strange for it to be just over.
And what's going to happen to this blog? Do I keep it going but change the focus to just my everyday life? Do I start a new blog and just leave this one to the internets? This will take some thought. There will still be cancer related stuff in my life, what with scans and colonoscopies. I've been thinking about starting a vegan food blog or a Life in Columbus blog.
I feel better writing about my worries. Deep down, I think I know everything will be okay. One day at a time, right?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Happy Cinco de Mayo!!!
It's time to get your margaritas on!!! It's Wednesday, NOT a chemo week, the sun is shining, and you can have a shot of tequila mid-week if you so choose. Sounds like a pretty damn good day to me.
Drink one for me, stay safe, and good vibes to all.
Drink one for me, stay safe, and good vibes to all.
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