I promised myself I wasn't going to cry...

but I did anyway.

I've been doing this chemo thing for a while now.  You'd think I'd be able to not get all stressed out and anxious.  Yeah, no.  I still do. 

I don't know how to NOT feel the way I do on the Tuesday before Big Chemo.  We were even crazy busy yesterday.  The kids and I went to La Leche League, then shared some vegan cherry cheezecake at the awesome vegetarian store.  We went to storytime at the front office.  I made a pasta cauliflower sauce hotdish for dinner.  But I still got upset, I still cried to Eric.

I know the chemo is working, shouldn't it be easier to go?  It's so not.  And it's very predictable.  We have the meds down, I'm not throwing up or anything.  I probably have a much easier time with chemo than many people.  They why do I feel like running away today?  It's a good thing we don't have two cars this morning.

I'm at a loss.  Maybe this feeling is just something I have to get used to.  Maybe it just won't go away.  It's very hard to go do something that puts me on my ass for the better part of five days.

Here's hoping today is uneventful (and that I get a better chair!).

Sometimes it's hard to find balance.  I think that's true of everyone, not just me who has cancer.  I told Eric last night that one of the most frustrating things for me about my life right now is how much time the Cancer Center sucks up.  Every Wednesday.  Every other Friday.  Feeling sick for the better part of five days.  Spending some of my Feel Good days preparing for when I'm going to be sick.  Trying to see friends as much as possible while I'm feeling good.  Squeezing in sewing and homeschooling.  Going out and exploring our surroundings.  Cleaning and baking and laundry.

I'm not saying that I like or dislike these things.  I want to do everything, but even before I know that wasn't possible.  Prioritizing helps, of course, and I find that overall I'm good at that.  But it sucks to put things I really enjoy at the bottom of the list.  Or to find that things get pushed to the bottom inadvertently in favor of things that probably aren't as important.

It's always good to have a reality check, like the one I got from Eric yesterday.  I was all ready to sew all afternoon, ignore the arguing kids, and just do my own style of moping because I have Big Chemo this week.  Then Eric said we were going somewhere and doing something.  At first I admit I wasn't thrilled, but I decided to go along with it.  After a little driving around, we ended up at the Columbus Museum looking at cool Civil War stuff and laughing our asses off as the kids played with giant legos.  We went out to eat to celebrate Father's Day.  And you know, it was a really fun afternoon.  I'm glad Eric took the lead and got us out of the house.

So, you know, balance.  Is every single thing I want or need to do going to get done?  Probably not.  Is it worth it to shift the prority list and be open to adventure?  Absolutely.

What's in store for today and tomorrow?  Oh you bet there's a list.  But I'm going to try shifting things around, maybe take the kids for a walk and a swim instead of freaking out about their incredibly messy bedroom.  We'll figure it out, and it will be okay.

Mostly Stable Tumors!

Ready for some good news?  Eric and I were able to get a copy of the CT scan report yesterday.  We'll go over the images with the doc in two weeks, but MOSTLY STABLE.  Chemo is working, it seems.  That makes it a little easier to go, I must say.  According to the report, my other organs look good.  There seems to be activity in and around my original diagnosis site, but that could be due to radiation/surgery, or if it's a recurrance it's still stable too.

I'm relieved.  I needed some good news on the cancer front. 

I'll feel even better after speaking to the doctor and re-evaluating the plan.  He should have specific measurements and numbers of tumors. 

My CBC numbers were good too, even after Big Chemo last week. 

I have a love/hate relationship with my body being so responsive to treatment.  It's not really a skill I enjoy bragging about, but I guess it's a helpful skill.  I have six more Big Chemo treatments left if we go with the plan as-is.  I can do that, especially knowing that it is helping.

Otherwise, yesterday was pretty uneventful.  I complained about my ouchy mouth and my ouchy cracked fingers to the physician's assistent.  She was appropriately sympathetic, but since I'm already doing things to help that, there wasn't much she could do.  She did tell me that I don't have to swallow the magic mouthwash, which I didn't know (the directions say to swallow, and I've never been much of a fan of swallowing...).  I'm not super rashy from the Erbitux.  I should get a sticker for being the best cancer patient ever, man.

Oh, but when I got to the chemo lounge, things got a little interesting.  The chairs were all full when I arrived, so I was offered a "regular chair" off to the side.  The computers were down and things were taking longer than usual (if you can possibly imagine that, based on how long I usually wait).  The nurse working with me wanted to get started and offered to let me swap chairs when one became available.  So I sat in this old time chair, which Eric said later was probably what they used before they got the fancy chairs they have now.  The nurse got my pre-meds started and no chairs had opened up.  He asked if I'd be okay sitting in the old time chair (he didn't call it that, obviously), and I wasn't sure because it doesn't recline.

Okay, now I don't think I'm spoiled, but I also feel that I NEED to be able to recline when the benedryl hits.  The nurse said, "Oh, this reclines!"  It sure did, but it was kind of scary because it tipped way back, and if I moved wrong, it fell forward to an upright reclined position.  I stayed where I was the whole time.  Little Chemo isn't worth picking up and moving.  And it turned out okay.  I probably slept less than I usually do, but that's not a big deal.

Try to give me one of those old time chairs next week?  Um.  NO.  But who knows what I will get.  The scheduler claimed they didn't have any open slots until 10am.  What, what??  I wonder what they would do if I showed up at 8am.  I could blame it on chemo brain.  Oh so sorry, two hours early. 

So after chemo, Eric, the kids, and I did some errands.  Oh wait, it was ONE errand.  And when we got home, I retreated to the bed for an hour before we were on the go again to get Reese and Eric to tae kwon do.  I'm glad I can do these things after Little Chemo.  It's better than Big Chemo, which pretty much grinds everything to a halt.

Anyhoo, I'm definitely looking forward to pretending I don't have cancer for another weekend.  I hope all you readers have a great bunch of days!!!

Ramblings on a Chemo Eve

I seem to have two general reactions to the day before Chemo Wednesday.  Either I run around like a crazy person cleaning everything and freaking out, or I totally procrastinate and pretend like chemo doens't exist.  Since I just now plugged in my electronics to charge and am considering making a vague to-do list for the morning...I think I'm in the second option this week.

Admittedly I do tend to freak out more before Big Chemo.  I can't help it.  Knowing that I'll be feeling blah for 4-5 days makes me want to clean and bake things.  This week though, I'd say we're woefully unprepared, so good thing it's Little Chemo.  I don't even have spinich for my smoothie, man.  That's practically a crisis situation.

Eric and I were talking last night, and at one point he asked me what I thought.  I burst into tears and said, "I wish I wasn't sick."  Because I really do wish that, more for my family than for myself. 

But at least I don't have Ebola.

I just finished re-reading The Hot Zone, and really, it's for the best that we don't have Ebola.

I have great big plans for the rest of the week and I hope I can get some stuff done because I spent a lot of time goofing off.  Which I think is mostly okay.

Well, Happy Chemo Eve!  I think this should become a gift giving holiday, hint hint.

Chemo, why you gotta be like that?

Holy crap.  Chemo is kicking my ass this weekend.  Or else I just did too much yesterday, that could be it too.  I got out of bed yesterday morning, crawled back in about mid-morning, woke up around 11:30am, we were out for a few hours, and I went right back to bed as soon as we got home.  I'm not a huge fan of this, but what can you do?

Fun things that have nothing to do with cancer:  My little girl and my awesome husband tested for their yellow belts at tae kwon do yesterday.  I'm super proud of them.  On Friday, I not only got to kidnap a baby, I got to nap with said baby in my recliner.  It's been AGES since I got to nap with a baby.  I rediscovered the joy of mixing a can of chickpeas with some vegan mayo, tomatoes, and pickles.  My main plans today include gathering ingredients for mushroom risotto and going to a birthday party.

I would say that of all my recent chemo weekends, I felt the least sad about this one.  Chemo gets me down, feeling so sick gets me down.  This weekend has been pretty good though.  I have a lot going for me, which I always knew. 

Grab the first food item you see and shove it in your mouth real fast!

That's kind of how I eat on Big Chemo weeks.  Smelling things makes me ill.  Sometimes thinking about what I should eat makes me ill.  Nothing sounds good.  If I think it might taste good, chances are it won't.  So frustrating for someone who loves to cook (and eat).  Last night and the night before, friends brought meals.  I'm pretty sure the only nutritious thing I ate was those meals.  It makes such a difference in our household.  Thank you, kind friends.

Today the pump comes off.  I'll try not to cause so much trouble at the cancer center like I did last time (eye roll).

Tonight I will eat popsicles.  Life can still be good even if it sucks sometimes.

Scans and chemos, oh my!

Yeah, that pesky CT scan was yesterday.  So Tuesday night I had to drink the barium.  I got vanilla because that usually seems to be agreeable.  It was disgusting.  My guts hated it and expelled gas and output all night.  Then I had to drink more in the morning.  Blech. 

They make you drink another cup in the hospital too, right before the scan, so when the guy asked me what flavor I wanted, I said, "Oh, anything BUT vanilla."  He ended up bringing a crystal light concoction that if I'd had to drink any more than a little cup, would have been all over the floor.  As it was, I almost yakked it up.  Fruit punch isn't my favorite flavor either, yo.

The good news at the scan was that the guy offered to have my port accessed.  I was hesitant because what if the hospital uses different stuff somehow and it would have to be redone at the cancer center?  So I said, "Okay, as long as you promise me that I won't have it redone later."  I don't know know if he gets that question a lot or never, because he laughed. 

The nurse who accessed my port said I looked familier, because of my tattoos, and we tried to figure it out.  She was assisting in my port placement surgery.  We talked tattoos and vacations.

Scan...I almost started laughing outloud.  The giant donut machine tells you when to hold your breath and when to breathe, so that wasn't different.  But I don't think I've had this one before.  It said, "Breathe in, hold your breath" scan scan scan, then "BREATE!!"  And it was emphatic like that too.  There are also open and closed mouth smiley faces on the side of the machine, but I can't figure out how those are helpful because you can't really see them when you're being scanned.  At least I can't see them because I close my eyes (lasars, man, lasars).

After that, Eric whisked me off to chemo.

Which was long.

There is a nurse at chemo who is intrigued by my green smoothies.  Every time she asks me what's in it.  Yesterday, because of the scan (nothing to eat or drink after midnight) I didn't have a home made smoothie.  She commented on it, so I whipped out the smoothie from the store and let her read what was in that one.  She was impressed that I do the same thing at home just about every day.

I was seated in the middle of the chemo lounge which I think would have bothered me before.  I've had so many chemos now that it really doesn't.  At first I didn't have a chair so a nurse did vitals while I was sitting at a side table!  They were so busy in there.  So many people who are affected by cancer. 

After I got home, I crashed on the chair, begged for ramen noodles (sore throat), and slept.

I just got out of bed and feel like I could go back to sleep again.