Chemo Jitters

Chemo Jitters, I has them.

I worry about how sick I'll get.  I worry about taking care of my family.  I worry that it won't work and going through it will be for nothing.

But I have to try.  I could definitely use your prayers, positive thoughts, vibes, everything today.  And of course, I'll let you know how it goes!

Change of Plans

No chemo today!  I can't say that I'm all that broken up about it, and the kids and I already have the day filled up with plans.  Maybe Wednesday is a better day, and the universe is trying to tell us that.  Who knows? 

I know I need to do it, but I still kind of don't want to.  Chemo is not fun.

I saw the chemo lounge yesterday though, and it is nice. 

So anyway, chemo starts Wednesday.  I also found out that for Erbitux, I have to go in every week, one week for Big Chemo, one week for Small Chemo, as the doc said.  The Small Chemo week should only take about two hours.  I freaked out a bit, but then remembered that at one time, I was going to radiation EVERY DAY, and then there was that pesky wound vac three times a week.  Once a week is cake.  Or pie.  Whichever you prefer.

Enjoy your Tuesday!  I know I will!

Oh hai!!!

One of the things I did over the past week was getting my hair cut.  I'll admit, it's kind of a control thing.  There aren't very many aspects of my life that I feel I can control.  My hair?  Chopped!

This morning I busted ass in the kitchen, cooking beans, cleaning the pantry, cleaning out the freezer, making sure the fam has stuff to eat for the next week or so.  I think I will still make a list of easy, fast meals with references to cookbooks.  I even broke down and bought the kids some chicken fingers because it's such an easy meal.  I feel much better knowing that the kitchen is almost all the way nested.

So I was at the grocery store yesterday, and when I got up to the checker, she looked at me and asked, "What happened to you!?"  For a second I was confused, but then I remembered that my new port site looks pretty bad still.  I explained that it's a chemo port and I just had it put in.  Then she told me that she had a cancerous brain tumor a few years ago.  She informed me that the best thing to do is keep a positive attitude.  I mentioned that positivity really helped me out THE FIRST TIME I went through this.  Her eyes got big, and she didn't have a lot to say after that.  We didn't even talk about what kind of cancer I had.  Then after I paid, I said, "I'm glad you got better."  She said, "I hope you get better too."

Yeah, me too, Brain Tumor Checker, me too.

I think I am positive, most of the time.  It was harder though, maybe over the past month.  Sometimes I'm just so angry that this is happening, that my family is so affected by this.  I get angry because I have wishes and dreams and things that I want to do.

Ah well.  Living in the now is what I am trying hard to do.  And right now, it's cancer ass kicking time!

Sigh.

Feeling kind of blah this morning.  Now that I have another alien port, chemo is really going to happen, isn't it?

Fuck.

The temptation is great to let the kids play and spend the day shopping on Amazon for kindle books and shopping on Etsy for amusing zines.  Skipping school never hurt anyone too much, right?  But I made the To Do list for today, and real life still marches on even if I don't want it to do that. 

I will find joy in today.  I will find joy in today.  I will find joy in today.

Fake it 'til you make it, right?

The Kindness of Others

I just have the best friends and family in the world, and I know the best people.  There have been many surprises in the past week or so that have touched my heart.  And you all know me, of course, I cried.  I love you all for your thoughts, prayers, and support though, not your stuff. 

One mama in particular helped me in a big way last week.  Alisha, a very talented pattern designer, is the mastermind behind the Twirly Whirly Dreess.  This happens to be one of Reese's favorites, and we had the opportunity to test that one out a few weeks ago.  Alisha has been working on another dress recently, a sleeveless summer dress.  I emailed about a week ago to ask when it would be going on sale.  Alisha shared the date with me, and unfortunately, it was close to my first chemo treatment.  I went out on a limb and asked if she would consider selling to me early so I could make Reese some summer clothes before I deal with chemo.  Of course I offered to pay her whatever she was asking for her pattern.  The next day, I found the PDF in my inbox with a note that said, "Enjoy."  Alisha wouldn't let me send her any paypal, so as a favor to me, can you check out her new store?  She's a member of the shecreates congo on Hyenacart, and her shop is called "I Heart to Sew."  shecreates  stocks March 3rd at 9pm.  GO.  Check them out!!!

The generosity of people makes me hopeful.  Thank you so much to everyone who has touched my heart and made me cry with happiness this week.

The Story of Alien Port II

Alien port junior?  It's not really smaller, but it is on my left side.  I can't have a silly port mess up my turtle tattoo.

Eric, the kids, and I arrived at the hospital just before 7am.  I had to deal with a copay (which I think is totally silly...why did I drive over there to pre-register last week?  So I could spend more time at registration??).  Then we all trooped back to radiology where I found out I had to have labs done.  At this point, Eric took the kids to go do some stuff, and I went on alone.

Labs were uneventful.  When I tried to use the elevator to get back down to radiology, it was broken.  A kind nurse showed me the way down the stairs.  I hardly had to wait at all before being called back to the procedure room.

So I walked in and the table was all laid out, and there were surgical instruments and all kinds of stuff I really didn't want to see.  I was directed to a little storage room to change.  After changing, I sat around on the table while people bustled around me, prepping for the procedure.  It was kind of freaky.  I've never been awake very long BEFORE things started.  One of the techs tried to start an IV, but that sure didn't work.  She said we should wait for one of the nurses.  The nurse tried (so that's twice on my left hand), couldn't get the IV to take, and moved to my right hand.  Everyone admired my new tattoo.  I spoke to the surgeon, who asked how the heck we ended up in Columbus (because we're not military).  He was nice and funny.  Of course there were the usual questions about my diagnosis, and then how old my kids are (I totally cried). 

Things started moving and I was asked to lay down.  One of the techs started to drap me, which completely freaked me out.  Again, not stuff I want to even be aware of, let alone watch.  The nurse gave me some meds and that calmed me down.  The surgeon asked if I was still wide awake, and I said I was, so I was given more drugs.  I WASN'T ASLEEP WHEN HE PUT THE PORT IN.  Don't worry, it didn't hurt.  But holy crap.  The actual port installation probably only took 15 minutes, but I could be wrong.  Although the drugs didn't put me to sleep, they were quite good.

After the surgery, the nurses brought Eric and the kids in, and we all went to a recovery room.  They made me stay there for almost two hours.  Another nurse brought me breakfast:  eggs, bacon, a biscuit, grits.  I made Eric and the kids eat some so it looked like I did, because it wasn't a very vegan friendly meal.  Oh well.  I drank the juice.

And that's about it.  I'm not supposed to get the bandages wet (what, no steri strips??), so the nurse said no showering for 5-7 days.  I'm also not supposed to run until it's healed.

No less than eight people said I was too young to be dealing with all this.  I KNOW, RIGHT? 

Stuff is starting to hurt, so I'll probably retire to my chair for a while.  It's a nice, sunny day here in Columbus.  A walk in a little while to get the mail is in order.

Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month!!

Did you know that colorectal cancer—cancer of the colon or rectum—is the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths in the United States from the cancers that affect both men and women?

150,000 Americans will be diagnosed with colorectal cancer this year.

Check your ass, people!!  Got something weird going on?  Maybe your bowel movements have changed?  Maybe there's some blood in your stool?  Unexplained fatigue?  Pain?  Please get checked out.  Yes, it can be embarrassing to talk to your doctor about your butt.  GO ANYWAY. 

I'm wearing blue today, and then on each of my chemo days this month (March 8th being the first).  Join me!  Yay for awareness!!