Guess Where I am NOT today??

Cancer Center!  I'm not there!!!!!!!

I'm skipping out today.  Yes, Little Chemo doesn't kick my ass like Big Chemo does, so maybe I could have done it.  However, I really feel like I needed a no chemo break.  Does this make me a huge baby?  Whatever.  I'm glad and totally happy with this decision.

I am also freaking excited to be escaping to the beach, which is like 5 hours from the cancer center.  There's just something about the beach for me.  I love water and water creatures and sunshine.  Don't worry, I will wear lots of natural sunscreen and wear my gigantic hat. 

I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!  There aren't enough exclamation points to even express it.  According to my several pieces of paper with lists, we should be almost packed up.  I'll bribe the kids to help me pick up the house, and we're golden.

Did I mention the excitement? 

Also, the last time I saw my doc, I complained about not sleeping despite a little sleeping pill.  He increased the dose, and it has made such a difference.  I fall asleep faster, I don't wake up for hours in the night.  Now if I could get my kids to sleep later, haha.  Anyway, I almost wonder if lack of sleep was a bigger factor in my mood and stress level than my crappy cancer situation.

So have a nice 4th of July weekend!  Look for pics sometime after we get back.  :)

Sometimes I feel so negative

I'm really not, at least not all the time.  This morning I was running and thinking about how amazing our life is.  We live in an absolutely beautiful community, people are nice and friendly.  The kids are healthy, they're happy, they're learning and growing every day.  We have the things we need and often are able to get things we want too.  There are amazing travels coming up, and I'm so excited to meet friends I've known for such a long time.  The friends we've made here are the most wonderful people. 

So yeah, while shitty things happen, I think the good often outweighs the bad.  It's hard for me to remember that when I'm wallowing in the sick of a Big Chemo weekend. 

I just wanted everyone who is reading to know that I'm good.  I have bad days, but I'm hanging in there.  I'm tough.

Oh hey...if you have a moment, check out the linkie about the Bone Marrow Donor Registry.  Please consider signing up, it's really easy, and who knows?  You might be able to help someone who is struggling.

The Big Day! Scan Pictures!!!

Well, not really.  The computer used for looking at scans was acting up, so no pics.  The doctor did consider the stability of my tumors a positive thing, and noted that there are no new ones.  So evil chemo, you are working, and I guess I will stick with you for a handful more times.  The doc suggested a scan in a few more months to get another peek.

I bitched about my sore fingers and my incredibly icky eye and my not sleeping.  Lotion, antibiotic eye drops, and an increased sleeping pill dose.  And next time I go in there, I'm bringing my gigantor hat.  So no new remedies really, just encouragement and a gentle, "These side effects are not too bad" which is probably good that I hear.  I think the doctor knows I'm hardcore and can do this.  It's good to have confidence like that.

Since we're going on vacation next weekend, I decided to skip chemo altogether next week.  Honestly, I need a break, even if it is just pushed out one week.  The doc and Eric backed me up, of course.  I got many warnings about the dangers of sea water and the doc fretted about antibiotics.  He warned me not to eat any raw fish.

Ahahahahahahahaha.  I was all, "Eww, I don't eat meat."  This led to the following conversation:

Doc:  You don't eat meat?
Me:  NO.
Doc:  Oh, you're vegetarian.  You eat eggs?
Me:  Nope, no eggs.
Doc:  What?  I thought vegetarians eat eggs.  What about milk and cheese?
Me:  NO, I don't eat any of that stuff.
Doc:  Well that's why your eye is so sore, you need protein.
Me:  I use protein powder in my smoothies, I eat tofu, tempeh, beans, I'm good on protein.
Doc:  Ahhh you eat tofu, okay.  You should drink miso soup.
Me:  I love miso soup!  Sushico has the best miso soup.
Doc:  You can make that at home you know.  Make it yourself.

So I'm supposed to drink some miso soup.  I guess I'll have to look that up.  The doc insisted it was easy and sounded incredulous that I paid for it at a restaurant.  Otherwise, I really think my nutrition is fine.  I'm going to try to add more nuts to my diet, and I'm considering adding in some raw foods days here and there when I can.

Let's see.  Oh I didn't tell you about the blood drawing nurse!!  The normal nurse I have must be on vacation still, so this other nurse was helping out.  She wouldn't let Eric stand in the room (even though it's a huge room).  It bothered me.  Eric, if he's able, is with me and has been with me.  The nurse said, "Are you scared?" and kind of laughed.  She didn't do a bad job, but I complained to Eric anyway.  I hope the other nurse is back the next time I go in. 

The wait for a chemo chair was long.  Going in mid-morning is kind of sucky.  Chemo was uneventful, except the nurse there was having fits over the infusion machine.  It wouldn't cooperate with her at all.  I guess it doesn't like chemo either, hahahahahahaa.  I read a scary Dean Koontz book while I waited (I don't know why I read scary books).  After my benedryl nap, I watched some Seinfeld.

I will post vacation pics after we get back.  If you don't hear from me, it's because I'm busy having fun and hugging my family and working on feeling positive and relaxing. 

Side Effects

Let's complain about side effects!  Yay!

Starting with the most annoying...

Dry Erbitux Skin.  Around my eyes.  It's red and ouchy.  I have lotion for it, but meh.  It's still there.

My mouth hurts.  Things I like to eat hurt me.  I have magic mouth wash for it, but meh.  Still there!

Hair falling out.  This one probably makes me the most sad and also the one I feel the most silly being upset about.  There could be a lot worse things than losing some hair.  I've always loved my hair though. 

Cracking skin on my fingers.  The good news on this is that I'm down to three.  Whoops, I found another one.  As soon as I get them healed, more show up.  :(

Itchy butt wound area.  Yeah, still dealing with that pesky butt wound.  Is it healing?  I don't know!  It's just there, it gets packed with gauze once a day, and it gets Erbitux irritated from time to time.  I never thought we'd be buying diaper cream after the whole baby stage.

All over my body, my skin is dry, dry, dry.

Chemo brain?  Check.

My appetite is back though!  Except everything I eat hurts my mouth!  :(

I'm feeling a little cranky today about all this nonsense, in case it's hard to tell.  I try not to let it all get to me, but it's weary-ing.  I feel a little bad complaining because overall, chemo isn't too bad for me.  I know it's awful for others.  I know other people who are in much worse situations than I am.  But at the same time, my feelings should be okay too. 

So here's to my feelings and your feelings and everyone's feelings.

And another Big Chemo weekend is coming to a close.

It wasn't too terribly bad.  Saturday was busy, so whenever I wasn't doing something I was sleeping.  I ate ramen, begged people to go to Sonic for slushies, ate a lot of lifesavers, you know, the usual.  I think the thing that got me through this weekend was knowing that I won't have Big Chemo until after our vacation.  I'm not sure how I'll get through the next one, but one day at a time.

It's Father's Day today, and I'm so thankful for Eric.  I can't imagine going through this with anyone BUT him.  I don't even have words, he's just the best.  I want us to grow old together so badly. 

Anyway, my mouth hurts and I'm tired.  I think I'll go do something that has absolutely nothing to do with cancer, like investigating homeschooling books for the fall.  I hope everyone else's weekend was awesome!! 

As requested by many, a pic of the old time chair I sat in last week.

No worries, y'all, I got a regular chair this week.  It was actually in a great location...right next to the blanket warmer AND the bathroom!  Wheeeee!  I didn't take a pic of that though.  I feel weird taking pictures in the chemo lounge because there are so many people.  I guess you'll all just have to visit me to get the real feel.  ;)

Yesterday went fine.  I got called back right away and my nurse was awesome.  I watched Clerks (well, bits and pieces of it, thank you, Benedryl) and paged through my new Harry Potter inspired cookbook.  I even chatted with a woman with many questions about my chemo (she has breast cancer, a much different regimine).

So yeah.  Today will be resting.  Which is what I'm going to do now.

I promised myself I wasn't going to cry...

but I did anyway.

I've been doing this chemo thing for a while now.  You'd think I'd be able to not get all stressed out and anxious.  Yeah, no.  I still do. 

I don't know how to NOT feel the way I do on the Tuesday before Big Chemo.  We were even crazy busy yesterday.  The kids and I went to La Leche League, then shared some vegan cherry cheezecake at the awesome vegetarian store.  We went to storytime at the front office.  I made a pasta cauliflower sauce hotdish for dinner.  But I still got upset, I still cried to Eric.

I know the chemo is working, shouldn't it be easier to go?  It's so not.  And it's very predictable.  We have the meds down, I'm not throwing up or anything.  I probably have a much easier time with chemo than many people.  They why do I feel like running away today?  It's a good thing we don't have two cars this morning.

I'm at a loss.  Maybe this feeling is just something I have to get used to.  Maybe it just won't go away.  It's very hard to go do something that puts me on my ass for the better part of five days.

Here's hoping today is uneventful (and that I get a better chair!).