So I met one of the doctors in the family practice we'll be using (or hopefully NOT using...stay healthy, Jahners!). I was supposed to see the female doc (it's a husband and wife practice) but she got tied up at the hospital. One of the goals of my appointment was to get a pap and pelvic, but I decided I'd rather have a woman for that. If he wanted to examine my ass, yeah, sure, whatever. Lots of people have seen my ass. But we did end up talking about my other reason for the appointment, which was to be directed to an oncologist. He did have one in mind to recommend. We talked a little about my experience and I started to get emotional. Then he asked me about the kids and I lost it.
He handed me the kleenex and said some comforting words and then offered to pray for me. I always appreciate positive thoughts and prayers, so that was nice.
The last thing I expected to do was get emotional at this point. I mean, I'm freaking DONE, right? I guess there will be a scan here and there, and random appointments to see the oncologist. It seems the feelings one has during cancer treatment linger after it's all done. I don't know why I thought they wouldn't. And how ironic, today I threw out the rest of my prozac prescription.
Overall, I think I'm okay. The whole doctor's office thing was like an unwanted flashback. I haven't seen a doctor (aside from a couple wound care check ups) since the surgeon removed the port. I don't know.
Anyway I'll be going back for the pap and pelvic with the lady doctor this weekend. Fun, fun. I'm a little nervous about sticking anything but dialators up there, but I'm sure it will be fine.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I did yoga today. I know, I know, what's the big fuckin' deal? I haven't done yoga since January 5th, 2010, the day before my surgery. Wait...I might have done it the morning of my surgery. I can't remember. Anyway, it's been a long time.
It's been a long time for many reasons. Some of them physical, some of them mental. Physically, the ass wound kept me from doing a whole lot of things. I'm almost completely pain free now (yay!!), but for the longest freaking time the pain kept me from doing much of anything. Mentally, yoga was something I did to center myself, to calm down, to relax. Doing the yoga DVD brings back a lot of memories and thoughts I had during treatment. I don't like it. I don't like to think a lot about treatment, about how hard I had to fight. Maybe I need to switch to a different DVD?
At any rate, it felt good. I'm soooooooo inflexible though. Yikes. The nice lady on the DVD keeps telling me that I should focus on the here and now. Don't worry about what I used to do. It's important for me to hear that. When I'm working with a post cancer body, I get frustrated because I'm not at the point I was. It will happen though, I think. I'll get stronger, I'll be able to do all the things I used to do and then some.
I was talking to some friends about my experience, and they were shocked that it hasn't even been a full year since diagnosis. All the things that happened took place in the span of nine months. It is shocking, when I think about it. How did all that happen in such a short time? It really is overwhelming at times, when it all comes rushing into my head.
And now what? Well, I'll be seeing a family doctor on Wednesday. Hopefully she will be awesome, and will have the hook up to an awesome oncologist. One of these days I should go find the wound care nurses for my ass wound. Probably a quickie CT scan in the fall as well as a colonoscopy. So the adventure isn't over, it's just sort of in limbo right now.
How am I? I'm hanging in there. I take no pills except B12 and vitamin D. That's right, people. No pain pills. No sleeping pills. No prozac. It feels wonderful to NOT need all those pills. I don't think about cancer very much, only sometimes. Life is good.
It's been a long time for many reasons. Some of them physical, some of them mental. Physically, the ass wound kept me from doing a whole lot of things. I'm almost completely pain free now (yay!!), but for the longest freaking time the pain kept me from doing much of anything. Mentally, yoga was something I did to center myself, to calm down, to relax. Doing the yoga DVD brings back a lot of memories and thoughts I had during treatment. I don't like it. I don't like to think a lot about treatment, about how hard I had to fight. Maybe I need to switch to a different DVD?
At any rate, it felt good. I'm soooooooo inflexible though. Yikes. The nice lady on the DVD keeps telling me that I should focus on the here and now. Don't worry about what I used to do. It's important for me to hear that. When I'm working with a post cancer body, I get frustrated because I'm not at the point I was. It will happen though, I think. I'll get stronger, I'll be able to do all the things I used to do and then some.
I was talking to some friends about my experience, and they were shocked that it hasn't even been a full year since diagnosis. All the things that happened took place in the span of nine months. It is shocking, when I think about it. How did all that happen in such a short time? It really is overwhelming at times, when it all comes rushing into my head.
And now what? Well, I'll be seeing a family doctor on Wednesday. Hopefully she will be awesome, and will have the hook up to an awesome oncologist. One of these days I should go find the wound care nurses for my ass wound. Probably a quickie CT scan in the fall as well as a colonoscopy. So the adventure isn't over, it's just sort of in limbo right now.
How am I? I'm hanging in there. I take no pills except B12 and vitamin D. That's right, people. No pain pills. No sleeping pills. No prozac. It feels wonderful to NOT need all those pills. I don't think about cancer very much, only sometimes. Life is good.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Cancer, you are not fair
Seriously, why don't murderers and child molesters and puppy kickers get cancer? Why do mothers, daughters, granddaughters, fathers, sons, grandfathers...why do they have to draw the cancer card out of the deck of life? It makes no sense. Why does this happen to good people? Why does it happen to people who are helping others, who are raising children, people this world really needs.
I'm not wishing cancer on ANYONE, by the way. I wouldn't. Not on my worst enemy. Not on anyone. It's just not fair that a mother of children would have to hear the words, "You have cancer."
I wish I could say that I'm not scared for myself anymore. I wish I could say that it's all behind me and I'll just forget about it. Sadly, I can't. There's always that nagging in the very back of my mind, telling me that maybe my liver has spots. Maybe something got into one of my lungs. Please don't try to tell me it won't happen. I *know* the odds are on my side with recurrance. I KNOW that. Knowing doesn't help my mind not go there.
Could I even do more chemo? Could I deal with another surgery? I hope I never have to be tested that way.
Big hugs to my sisters and brothers in cancer. It seems we all could use a big hug today.
I'm not wishing cancer on ANYONE, by the way. I wouldn't. Not on my worst enemy. Not on anyone. It's just not fair that a mother of children would have to hear the words, "You have cancer."
I wish I could say that I'm not scared for myself anymore. I wish I could say that it's all behind me and I'll just forget about it. Sadly, I can't. There's always that nagging in the very back of my mind, telling me that maybe my liver has spots. Maybe something got into one of my lungs. Please don't try to tell me it won't happen. I *know* the odds are on my side with recurrance. I KNOW that. Knowing doesn't help my mind not go there.
Could I even do more chemo? Could I deal with another surgery? I hope I never have to be tested that way.
Big hugs to my sisters and brothers in cancer. It seems we all could use a big hug today.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Update from the road
Some things:
1.) I think I have an appliance that works with my stoma! Any wear time longer than 24 hours is good for me, man. The samples given to me by the awesome wound care nurse rock except the pouches are drainable (which for you noobs means there's a clip at the bottom). I'm not a big fan of the drainable pouches because they are longer than my one use pouches and peek out from under the longest of my shirts. That is so not cool. New pouches can easily be ordered after we get to our new place.
2.) Swimming! I went swimming for the first time since becoming an ostomate. It was uneventful, thank goodness. I don't know what I was worried about. My normal swimming suit covers my ostomy well, so I don't even think you can see it. I'm glad swimming is so easy because I think I'll be doing a lot of it.
3.) My ass wound might be tricky with the swimming. I feel like I need to change it after getting out of the pool, and if my Head Ass Packer (aka Eric) isn't around, that won't happen. We'll figure something out.
That's really about it. New blog that is NOT cancer focused will be here: http://lovinlivinandlearnin.blogspot.com/
I'll continue the cancer related updates here. And ostomy stuff too. The plan for you forward thinkers is to find a family doc, get a referral to an oncologist, and get a CT scan and colonoscopy in the fall. Good times, good times. I'm thinking this blog might get slow, but check me out on the new one!
1.) I think I have an appliance that works with my stoma! Any wear time longer than 24 hours is good for me, man. The samples given to me by the awesome wound care nurse rock except the pouches are drainable (which for you noobs means there's a clip at the bottom). I'm not a big fan of the drainable pouches because they are longer than my one use pouches and peek out from under the longest of my shirts. That is so not cool. New pouches can easily be ordered after we get to our new place.
2.) Swimming! I went swimming for the first time since becoming an ostomate. It was uneventful, thank goodness. I don't know what I was worried about. My normal swimming suit covers my ostomy well, so I don't even think you can see it. I'm glad swimming is so easy because I think I'll be doing a lot of it.
3.) My ass wound might be tricky with the swimming. I feel like I need to change it after getting out of the pool, and if my Head Ass Packer (aka Eric) isn't around, that won't happen. We'll figure something out.
That's really about it. New blog that is NOT cancer focused will be here: http://lovinlivinandlearnin.blogspot.com/
I'll continue the cancer related updates here. And ostomy stuff too. The plan for you forward thinkers is to find a family doc, get a referral to an oncologist, and get a CT scan and colonoscopy in the fall. Good times, good times. I'm thinking this blog might get slow, but check me out on the new one!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Goodbyes
How can you feel so excited and happy but also so sad? I'm thrilled that we're finally going to be living in the south, it's going to be warm there, it's going to be an adventure. But saying goodbye to friends...friends who have seen me through stupid fucking cancer, friends who have seen me at my worst, friends who like me for who I am. I knew it would be hard. It just hit me today though, and I'm feeling sad. I'm a firm believer that what you feel is okay, so it's okay for me to have such opposing feelings about moving.
It took so long for me to find my tribe, to find my people, to find a community. In some ways, it might be easier in Georgia...my kids are older, I'm more confident in myself and my mothering. I'm more willing to be outgoing, to talk to other moms. I've learned so much about myself in the past few years, and I think it's made me a better person in so many ways. That will help me take chances, get to know people, go to new groups, try new things.
To my wonderful friends, you are an amazing group of women. I was serious when I said you won't get rid of me easily. ;) There's no way I could let go of such kick ass friends. I hear Georgia is a great vacation destination, hint hint. Any of you are welcome at the Georgia Branch of the Jahner Compound (we will have an inflatable mattress and some floor space in the living room!).
And to the friends I don't know yet in Georgia...I'm excited to meet you, to get to know you. Playdates, coffee, sewing and vegan food anyone? :)
It took so long for me to find my tribe, to find my people, to find a community. In some ways, it might be easier in Georgia...my kids are older, I'm more confident in myself and my mothering. I'm more willing to be outgoing, to talk to other moms. I've learned so much about myself in the past few years, and I think it's made me a better person in so many ways. That will help me take chances, get to know people, go to new groups, try new things.
To my wonderful friends, you are an amazing group of women. I was serious when I said you won't get rid of me easily. ;) There's no way I could let go of such kick ass friends. I hear Georgia is a great vacation destination, hint hint. Any of you are welcome at the Georgia Branch of the Jahner Compound (we will have an inflatable mattress and some floor space in the living room!).
And to the friends I don't know yet in Georgia...I'm excited to meet you, to get to know you. Playdates, coffee, sewing and vegan food anyone? :)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Stuff and Junk
I'm sort of irritated with my ostomy as of late. There is a LOT of pancaking going on, which isn't the end of the world. However, output gets under the wafer and that makes for a sad ostomy. There have also been some middle of the night emergency changes. I don't know how I wake up just in time.
Anyway, there are some things I can do: change my diet (which isn't really a long term fix unless I just want to eat rice, bananas, and applesauce all the time), use a pouch without a filter, use some sort of lubricant in the pouch (I already do this). I can try changing appliances. It's all a bunch of trial and error.
We did try some sticky rings that you add to the back of the wafer, and I don't think I'm having as big of an issue. I'll know more when I change the wafer tomorrow.
In some ways, the whole ostomy thing is easier for me than what I used to do. I don't even think about it most of the time, except when I'm having issues. But then again, it's a constant reminder that my life is different now than it was before September 2009. Change is hard, and I still will stop short at times, shocked that this has all happened. Really, I was radiated? Really, my rectum is gone? Really, I made it through chemo? It all seems so far away. And I wonder how I did it.
And I remember that I have a lot going for me. I think I always knew that, but now it's so much more obvious.
So what's next, you ask? I have an appointment with the wound care nurses this week, wherein I will holler about my ostomy issues and see if they have other ideas. There are medical records for me to pick up before we move. After arriving in GA, I'll start looking for a family doctor, who will hopefully have the info about an oncologist.
Anyway, there are some things I can do: change my diet (which isn't really a long term fix unless I just want to eat rice, bananas, and applesauce all the time), use a pouch without a filter, use some sort of lubricant in the pouch (I already do this). I can try changing appliances. It's all a bunch of trial and error.
We did try some sticky rings that you add to the back of the wafer, and I don't think I'm having as big of an issue. I'll know more when I change the wafer tomorrow.
In some ways, the whole ostomy thing is easier for me than what I used to do. I don't even think about it most of the time, except when I'm having issues. But then again, it's a constant reminder that my life is different now than it was before September 2009. Change is hard, and I still will stop short at times, shocked that this has all happened. Really, I was radiated? Really, my rectum is gone? Really, I made it through chemo? It all seems so far away. And I wonder how I did it.
And I remember that I have a lot going for me. I think I always knew that, but now it's so much more obvious.
So what's next, you ask? I have an appointment with the wound care nurses this week, wherein I will holler about my ostomy issues and see if they have other ideas. There are medical records for me to pick up before we move. After arriving in GA, I'll start looking for a family doctor, who will hopefully have the info about an oncologist.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sheryl Crow, you are so wise...
unless you didn't write this song. Although whatever the case, I think you're wise for singing it.
Soak Up The Sun
My friend the communist
Holds meetings in his RV
I can't afford his gas
So I'm stuck here watching TV
I don't have digital
I don't have diddly squat
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I've got a crummy job
It don't pay near enough
To buy the things it takes
To win me some of your love
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
While it's still free
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Before it goes out on me
Don't have no master suite
But I'm still the king of me
You have a fancy ride, but baby
I'm the one who has the key
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy too
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Got my 45 on
So I can rock on
*****************
It turns out I *am* still the king of me, and Ms. Crow, I will rock on. Thanks for the inspiration today.
Soak Up The Sun
My friend the communist
Holds meetings in his RV
I can't afford his gas
So I'm stuck here watching TV
I don't have digital
I don't have diddly squat
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I've got a crummy job
It don't pay near enough
To buy the things it takes
To win me some of your love
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
While it's still free
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Before it goes out on me
Don't have no master suite
But I'm still the king of me
You have a fancy ride, but baby
I'm the one who has the key
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy too
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Got my 45 on
So I can rock on
*****************
It turns out I *am* still the king of me, and Ms. Crow, I will rock on. Thanks for the inspiration today.
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