Mrs. Rumphius and Fireworks

The kids and I listened to a book on tape yesterday. The book is called Mrs. Rumphius, and it's a story about a little girl named Alice whose grandfather suggests that she should do three things in her life: travel everywhere, come home to live by the sea, and make the world beautiful. She chooses to make the world beautiful by sowing lupine seeds throughout her town by the sea (after being quite ill for almost a whole year).

I thought about the idea of making the world beautiful a LOT yesterday. What am I doing to make the world beautiful? When I ponder "world" I think the author of Mrs. Rumphius didn't necessarily mean the world at large (although kick ass if it ends up that way), but your world, where you live. Making the world of people you know beautiful. I ended up thinking that this is really an admirable goal, and no matter what else you want to do with your life, striving to make the world beautiful is awesome.

I've been feeling really down lately. Things with my health are in a holding pattern while I wait for results of a ct scan. Somehow, instead of taking charge of my own life, I let cancer take charge of me. It's a helpless, scary feeling. I think Mrs. Rumphius came at a really great time, reminding me to focus on making the world beautiful, to focus on sharing the beauty with my children.

Then yesterday on the way to get my labs done, I heard a song I hear all the time. It's not one of my favorite songs, it's kind of background noise since my lame-o car cd player quit working. I don't know what made me listen to the lyrics, maybe because I couldn't understand some of them. The song was Katy Perry's Firework. Do you know that one?

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
drifting through the wind wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards one blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under scream but no one seems to hear a thing.

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'cause there's a spark in you?

Just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road


And it goes on and on (haha, oh Katy Perry). But I think in any bad situation, don't you wonder why there doesn't seem to be an open door? Don't you wonder why things happen the way they do, especially bad things? Maybe all the doors have been closed for me because I still haven't opened the one with the perfect road yet. I don't know what that perfect road is yet. Maybe it's the door to making the world beautiful, I don't know.

So I'm going to keep working on making the world beautiful, and focusing on that instead of what stupid cancer might or might not be doing. And I'll keep looking for that door too, and igniting that spark. I invite you to do the same, of course. :)

I think banana barium might be my new favorite.

Here's the thing about the barium, in case you didn't know. You have to drink one container the night before the scan, one the morning of the scan, and then about half another one at the hospital. The nurse was rummaging around the little barium refridgerator and couldn't find any more vanilla, so I suggested that I'd try another flavor if that would help. I guess the banana was open and ready. It was okay.

Blech, the barium does not make my guts happy. Blech.

Anyway, the scan went well. Pretty much the same as any scan, I guess. I wish we could get the results sooner, but I feel better now that the scan itself is done. I wonder why that is?

I'll pop back in with results!

Oh dammit.

So pretty much the last thing you want to happen the afternoon before a CT scan is someone from the hospital calling to complain that your insurance changed, and she wants you to reschedule. What WHAT?? Isn't this the reason one would pre-register (which I did, on Friday)? So they can check to make sure my insurance is good? I even paid my deductable for the procedure already. And Eric made a call to the insurance company to get the okay for the scan BEFORE I went to preregister.

I'm supposed to drink that barium tonight (vanilla flavored!), and I'm going to show up at my appointment tomorrow, and someone better stick me with an IV and CT my chest, abdomen, and pelvis, dammit. I don't drink barium for fun. Blech.

Here's hoping this all works out.

One year ago today...

Where were you on January 6th, 2010?

I was on an operating table having my rectum removed.

How many people can say something like that??

Isn't it strange how much life can change in just one year? At this point last year, I was on the edge of Step 2 of Get Rid of Cancer: abdominoperineal resection surgery. At this point last year, I'd battled through radiation and the chemo pump. At this time last year, I had no idea how hard the last chemo treatments would be, and I had no idea if I could do it or not. I feel like I was tested in the last year, tested like I've never been tested before.

Did I pass? How do you know if you passed?

I like to think I did.

Once in a while I miss my rectum, I miss the way my body was. I certainly wish the whole surgery had turned out differently, that my wound had healed properly. Right now it still gets packed once a day with iodoform, and I'm still considering a plastic surgery option (although I think I may let things ride until fall, see how much healing happens).

And oh stoma, my stoma. We're getting along fairly well, I think. I don't write a lot about it because there isn't much to say. That's probably a good thing.

What a crazy year it's been. I sometimes wonder where I'd be if I hadn't been run over by the cancer bus. I have a new appreciation for what it means to be a friend. Cancer is on my radar now, and I can empathize with people who are struggling with cancer in a way I never could before. My priorities are different. I think I'm more brave, more purposeful.

Like I've been saying for over a year, give your loved ones a hug today. You never know what life is going to throw at you. I know I'll be hugging mine.

Happy 2011

I'd love to post all about how I'm going to resolve not to worry, blah blah blah. Yeah, right. As if I can control the periodic freak outs when all the stress and scanxiety gets to be too much. Want to talk about freak outs? I had one while we were driving home from Florida. Reese had just puked (for the second time) all over herself and her car seat, and I pretty much lost it. I could NOT stop crying for probably a good 30 minutes. Eric asked what was wrong, and I told him I was worried about the scan. BECAUSE I FREAKING AM.

Poor Eric. He probably had no idea what to do, so he just held my hand and started talking about lunch. And I was really glad that I got the big giant sunglasses to hide the tears.

But what can you do? I think I'm entitled to a freak out now and again.

Anyhoo, we had a really great time in the Florida Keys. You want a picture, okay!

This was taken by a staff memeber at the Key West Garden Society. We went to one of the beaches and were walking towards a big pier when Eli or Reese (don't recall which one) suddenly had to use the potty. We ended up walking past the Garden Society building and garden, and stopped back later. It's one of those times when you're actually glad your kid needed a potty. The gardens on the property (which was an old military fort, I believe) were beautiful and interesting.

There are more pics on my other blog, if you want to see.

So what's the plan now? Scan on January 11th. Bloodwork on January 12th. Consult with the doc January 19th. Try not to freak out too much in the next 20 days. I think the yoga will help, and so will the running.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Bummer, man, but only a little bummer

Someone from my homeschool group asked me how I was doing, and if I had any news about my scan. I hadn't seen her for a while, which is why she didn't know. I started crying when I told her. I wish I could talk about my situation without crying. Maybe someday I'll get to that point. Anyway, I'm glad for awesome friends who are willing to talk and give hugs and let me cry on their shoulders.

This whole crazy deal isn't easy. I don't particularly like the hard times, but I'm still going to post about them. I don't think it would be fair to portray my situation as if it were all sunshine and roses, because it sure isn't. Sometimes it really sucks.

But hey. I'm doing what I can, trying to remember to take my vitamins, exercising, chillin' with my family. I have to run today, and it's freaking cold outside but I'm going anyway. We're getting ready for Awesome Christmas Trip to the Florida Keys, and I'm hoping to see some sea turtles and some little crabbies. Trying to keep busy to keep the extreme scanxiety away, you know. ;)

In case I don't wander back here until after the holidays, have a wonderful Christmas!!

It's late

and I should be sleeping. But I can't quit thinking. I popped into the colon club the other day to find out that a member I didn't know very well, but still recognized, had died suddenly. She was only 31, I believe. Of course I felt sad, it's just not fair, you know?

I think it freaked me out some too. More than some. I try so so hard not to worry about the so far unidentifiable spots on my lungs. I'm working on thinking positive, and I do, most of the time, but there's always that Holy Shit thought, that little tiny thought. It hangs around, it won't go away. I almost think this is worse than before, when we knew what was going on inside my body and had a plan that was more than Wait.

So I'm a little weepy about it tonight. And thinking too much. Part of me hates to even write about this because I don't want to freak other people out. Then again, I think it's okay to feel this way, to feel scared, to feel worried. I think it's okay to do some crying.

And tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to love on my kids and my husband and my friends and my family. I feel really lucky for every day I have because some people don't get as many days as I do.

Maybe getting this out will help me get to sleep. Mornings come awfully early around here. :)