I don't like surgery.

I'm starting to have some anxiety about my alien port removal. Surgery is scary for me. I think it's the whole being put under anesthesia thing. No worries, it's not enough anxiety to take anything and I'm still sleeping (thank you, ambien). Just don't look too closely at my fingernails because I'm totally finding myself picking at them again.

Luckily next week is looking to be so busy that hopefully I won't think about surgery at all. And it's a quickie procedure. I'm going to be okay.

I think.

Sigh.

Who guessed the right measurements?

I got so busy the last couple of days, I forgot to update about my wound! Great news, it's getting smaller: 2.4cm long by about 2cm deep. Nice. I'm glad there's lots of healing going on. Wouldn't it be the shit if it didn't take 6 months to heal? Healing thoughts are appreciated.

The appointment went well. I brought the kids with me, my own little entourage, haha. They are almost always very patient and curious when I bring them to the various appointments I have. Lots of questions are asked, and it's such a unique learning experience. You're not getting this kind of education at public school, that's for sure. While it's kind of sad that children so little had to learn about something as crappy as cancer by living with it, it's also cool to share with them. When a 5 year old can tell you what a colonoscopy is, I think that's all kinds of awesome. When that same 5 year old is explaining to her little friends about my ostomy supplies (dug out of my purse, of course) like it's normal, it makes me smile. I hope this experience helps my children have more compassion, be more willing to help, and sensitive to people who are struggling.

Back to the appointment...the nurse who checked me in was all, "I'll be taking your dressing down and then one of the other nurses will come in." She was surprised that all she had to do was take some gauze out. I guess she hasn't seen me in a while. ;) It's such a relief to go in and NOT have the whole experience hurt. I'm sure the nurses are much happier now too. I know it was hard for them as well as me. The wound looks great, and is very clean, according to the nurses, so that's good.

The next thing? I go in for bloodwork next week and I also have the port removed. I like that things are wrapping up. Finally.

I feel so good. Yes, I get tired, but that's a minor thing. I'm back to doing housework, back to meeting friends, adjusting to the new normal. The new normal is a lot like the old normal, for me anyway. At least I think it is. I suppose it's been a while since I felt "normal." And what does that mean anyway? I am living life and greatly enjoying the opportunity to do so. I'm thankful every day for the friends and family I have, and for my kids and husband. I'm thankful that I get to feel good and that I get to do the things I want to do. I'm thankful it's not so much of a struggle anymore.

Are things always easy? Uh, NO. My ass hurts sometimes at the end of the day. I have to tell you, as good as Eric is at wound packing, it's still a bummer. And don't even get me started on my ugly swollen right ankle...blah.

But I know that the good is greatly outweighing the bad right now. Believe me, I'm sending that positive energy to anyone and everyone I know who is having a hard time. It's the least I can do.

Excitement

We were sitting around tonight when I happened to look at my legs. My right ankle was swollen and kind of gross, very much like when I was pregnant. It was only the one leg, which I thought was odd. My oncologist asks EVERY SINGLE TIME if there's any swelling in my legs. They must ask that for a reason, right? Eric suggested that I call the oncology unit. I talked to the on call oncologist (say that one five times fast) who after hearing about the swelling and the whole rectal cancer thing said I needed to go to the emergency room to have my leg ultrasounded. Apparently cancer patients are at risk for blood clots. Who knew??

So Eric and I loaded the kids up in the car for a fun field trip to the hospital. The last time I was in an emergency room I had a concussion from a car accident. I didn't realize how much hurry up and wait there was in an ER since I don't spend much time there. Anyhoo, the very nice ultrasound tech came and squirted the jelly on my leg, looked at the veins, listened to the blood flow, and that was pretty much it. Having a baby ultrasound is much more fun, in case you were wondering. A radiologist had to look at the images and report back to the doctor, who then had to talk to us. More waiting! More kids bouncing around the tiny room we were in because they were overtired (this occured right around bedtime, sigh). More me being worried that I had a blood clot that I was sure would totally disrupt my plans for the rest of the week.

After a while, the doctor came back and said I was fine. Eric took the kids to get the car from the valet (oh la la!) while I got dressed. The nurse gave me discharge papers and we left.

See? Exciting!

But not really. I'm supposed to ask my oncologist to take a look when I go in next week. I guess it's about time I asked why they keep pestering me about swollen legs.

Anyhoo, Eric posted a fun pic of the party in the ER on facebook. You should go look.

Look out, Wound Care Nurses!

Because the kids and I will be crashing your office tomorrow morning around 10am. I hope you're ready. ;)

On the wound front, I think things are going well. Sometimes my ass hurts, sometimes it doesn't. Today it was pretty okay. Yesterday, not so much. Eric hollered at me to take some ibuprofen, but honestly I didn't think about it. That sounds silly, doesn't it? If you hurt, you'd take something, right? It's actually not surprising that I'd just blow off taking something, because I kind of tend to do that. I said I would try to remember that it's an option.

Anyway, maybe we'll get some measurements tomorrow! Who wants to know how deep and long my ass wound is?? Any guesses? It will be like that Guess How Much The Baby Weighs, only with an ass wound. Good times.

On the No More Chemo Front, Eric reminded me that this Thursday is my first No Chemo Thursday. If I was still doing the every other week cycle, this would have been a chemo week. Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am to be done? I really really am. It's the best feeling to be able to start doing things we missed out on for so many months. We're getting out, seeing friends, going grocery shopping...it's the best. I'm glad we have this month before we move to spend time with all the people who were so awesome to us during this whole lame-o cancer thing.

My alien port comes out in a week and a half! I'm already starting to get anxious about being put under, I don't like it. However, I know myself, and watching the surgeon cut into me while being awake...no. Not happening. I seem to tolerate anesthesia well, so I'm sure it will be no big deal.

I never knew how strong I was until being strong was the only choice I had.

Isn't this so so true? Someone on one of my message boards has this as her signature, and it really resonated with me tonight. I can tell you all kinds of shitty things about having cancer but one thing that came out of all this was how strong I learned I am. How resilient I am. How determined I am. How much I love my husband and children. There were a lot of times that I had to dig deep, but I was able to find the strength I needed inside myself. Without my experiences, I might never have discovered this.

I'll tell you what's nice

Having the laptop back so I don't have to sit on the uncomfortable computer chair.
When chairs in general are padded.
Chinese food.
Having my parents here to visit.
Ambien (and therefore, sleep)
Cheesy top 40s and hip hop music.
Malibu and pineapple juice x 2 or 3
Eric being home.
Wearing pants that have not been used previously for sleeping.
Layering shirts.
Being done with chemo!!
A week full of fun stuff and not lame-o dressing changes.
Driving around in my car listening to Lady Gaga.
Columbus, GA newspapers.
Did I mention that Eric was home?
Pelicans.
Walking around the nature center today with my kids.

I hope nice things are happening for all of you too. :)

Normal!!!

If you consider sitting on a pillow at a park bench, that is. Hah.

Yes, the kids and I ventured to the park today to meet some friends. It has been soooooo long since I was able to take my kids to the park. Doing normal things feels good.

I also did such things as laundry, emptying the dishwasher, making pita bread (in progress), and sewing on Eli's cloth trainers. I may not move exceptionally fast, but things are getting done. The downside is that I'm wiped out right now.

Other happenings around here:

I downsized the wafer for my ostomy, which I am undecided about liking. This is kind of gross, but the hole in the pouch is smaller, so it's harder to dump out. I think the pouches I have are meant to be one use, but man, that's wasteful. As long as the filter is working (ie I don't smell like the Neenah paper factories), I'm good with emptying the pouch. There are little biodegradable baggies I can use so those get changed instead of the whole pouch that I still need to try. That might be a solution to my throwing too much away conflict. If only change weren't so hard. I'll work on it, because the amount of ostomy trash does kind of bug me. It's not a ton, I suppose, but for someone who has worked really hard to reduce the amount of garbage our family tosses, it's more than I would like.

I do think the smaller wafer is less noticeable under my shirts. That's nice, although I don't care that much if someone sees the pouch. It's no big deal.

Have I mentioned that NOT wearing pajama pants is nice? Well it is.

Ugh, I'm ready for a nap.