I had a little fall apart last night. It was a lot of things that I've been really trying to just not think about. It was at a totally bad time, too. :( Luckily I have the most patient husband in the world.
I'm even having trouble getting all the crap out on the blog because I'm just so sick of dealing with it all.
I think it boils down to the fact that sometimes I don't like the New Normal.
I miss the old normal when I didn't have an ass wound. I miss the old normal when sex didn't hurt and dialators, what the heck are those?? I miss the old normal when I didn't worry about the results of a CT scan, or worry about whether or not I'll be around to see my kids get big and do great things.
Fuck you, Cancer. You pretty much suck, even when you're not in my body anymore.
I don't know, maybe if I can properly mourn the old normal I can fully get on with the new normal? Maybe I'm just having a bad day?
So many things are going right. So many things completely rock my world. But then there's the shadows, the things I'd rather forget. Or at least things that I don't mind remembering if only they weren't so raw still.
I think it will get to that point, someday. I hope that it will. Until then, I think I might have bad days sometimes. It's okay to have bad days, right? Bad days, I haz them.
And if you have them, that's okay.
I have more good days than bad, and so so much to be happy for and look foward to. Like...
Vegan Thankgsiving!
finishing my NaNoWriMo novel
hanging out with my kids and marveling at how much they learn
spending time with my kick ass husband
Florida Keys, baby!!!
being with friends
Christmas sewing (and just sewing in general)
skyping with family and friends (you don't have skype?? Why not????)
The list is really endless.
Thank you, readers, for walking this journey with me. I always appreciate your thoughts.
Hi I was diagnosed back in 02 and I went thru, the radiation, chemo, and ap surgery in May 03. The first 8 months after treatment I felt very safe and secure. I then started to have alot of worries and doubts especially around scan time. My radiologist told me that the farther away I got from treatment the less I would think about it. He then told me he was a cancer survivor that is how he knew. Now I still have days that I worry. Like last week when an old back injury started hurting again. Immeadiately I start thinking what if. I think the best thing you can do to heal is do exactly what you are doing trying to immerse yourself into being the best mother and wife you can be. Before you know it your kids will be teenagers and you will be saying how did the time go by so fast. I do still have days where I cannot believe what I went thru with treatment. I do celebrate my 8 year anniversary from diagnosis on Dec. 11th. I will also celebrate my 29 year wedding anniversary the same day. Last year my daughter gave birth to our grandson that same day so needless to say that day has always been an important day in my life. My gyno actually me actually asked me this year if I ever went for treatment for post traumatic stress after my diagnosis. I said no and he said he was surprised becasue I had been thru so much and yet I seemed to be so well adjusted. I do post on a few cancer groups especially in the beginning (4 years)and that did help alot.
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and Julie said ...Dearest Sheri, I so wish you didn't have to go through all of this. If I could take it away from you I would! I just want to give you a great big hug! I love you and miss you lots. Remember to be positive. God loves you! I think about you everyday. Just know that you are in my prayers everyday also. Love, Mom
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