I had a little fall apart last night. It was a lot of things that I've been really trying to just not think about. It was at a totally bad time, too. :( Luckily I have the most patient husband in the world.
I'm even having trouble getting all the crap out on the blog because I'm just so sick of dealing with it all.
I think it boils down to the fact that sometimes I don't like the New Normal.
I miss the old normal when I didn't have an ass wound. I miss the old normal when sex didn't hurt and dialators, what the heck are those?? I miss the old normal when I didn't worry about the results of a CT scan, or worry about whether or not I'll be around to see my kids get big and do great things.
Fuck you, Cancer. You pretty much suck, even when you're not in my body anymore.
I don't know, maybe if I can properly mourn the old normal I can fully get on with the new normal? Maybe I'm just having a bad day?
So many things are going right. So many things completely rock my world. But then there's the shadows, the things I'd rather forget. Or at least things that I don't mind remembering if only they weren't so raw still.
I think it will get to that point, someday. I hope that it will. Until then, I think I might have bad days sometimes. It's okay to have bad days, right? Bad days, I haz them.
And if you have them, that's okay.
I have more good days than bad, and so so much to be happy for and look foward to. Like...
finishing my NaNoWriMo novel
hanging out with my kids and marveling at how much they learn
spending time with my kick ass husband
Florida Keys, baby!!!
being with friends
Christmas sewing (and just sewing in general)
skyping with family and friends (you don't have skype?? Why not????)
The list is really endless.
Thank you, readers, for walking this journey with me. I always appreciate your thoughts.